I, GAVIN C. NEWSOM (THE MOST SUCCESSFUL GOVERNOR IN AMERICAN HISTORY), HEREBY DEMAND THAT CANADA GIFT ME “A BIG BEAUTIFUL PLANE” I GET TO KEEP AFTER I LEAVE OFFICE (IF I LEAVE). IF THEIR NEW PRIME MINISTER (VERY NICE GUY, BUT NOT AS HANDSOME AS TRUDEAU) DOES NOT SEND ME A PLANE, CALIFORNIA WILL IMPOSE “THE BIGGEST TARIFFS” HE HAS EVER SEEN, AS IS MY GOD-GIVEN RIGHT. MANY PEOPLE ARE SAYING, “GOVERNOR GAVIN C. NEWSOM DESERVES THE BEST PLANE, EVEN BETTER THAN AIR FORCE ONE.” I AGREE. SEND THE BIG PLANE, PRIME MINISTER CARNEY! I DESERVE IT. THANK YOU! — GCN
DONNIE J. AND KaroLYIN’ LEAVITT WILL HAVE THEIR (LITTLE) HANDS “FULL” TODAY. WHOOPS. I, GAVIN CHRISTOPHER NEWSOM, AMERICA’S FAVORITE GOVERNOR (MANY SAY), WILL HOST THE GREATEST PRESS CONFERENCE OF ALL TIME. AFTER THAT — “THE MAPS” WILL SOON BE RELEASED. VERY MUCH ANTICIPATED. HISTORY MADE. THE GOP’S RIGGED GAME IS OVER!!!! THE PEOPLE RETAKE CONGRESS. YOU'RE WELCOME, AMERICA! LIBERATION DAY!!! THAT IS WHAT MANY ARE CALLING IT. THANK YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION TO THIS MATTER. — GCN
DONALD IS FINISHED — HE IS NO LONGER “HOT.” FIRST THE HANDS (SO TINY) AND NOW ME — GAVIN C. NEWSOM — HAVE TAKEN AWAY HIS “STEP.” MANY ARE SAYING HE CAN’T EVEN DO THE “BIG STAIRS” ON AIR FORCE ONE ANYMORE — USES THE LITTLE BABY STAIRS NOW. SAD! TOMORROW HE’S GOT HIS “MEETING” WITH PUTIN IN “RUSSIA.” NOBODY CARES. ALL THE TELEVISION CAMERAS ARE ON ME, AMERICA’S FAVORITE GOVERNOR. EVEN LOW-RATINGS LAURA INGRAM (EDITS THE TAPES!) CAN’T STOP TALKING ABOUT MY BEAUTIFUL MAPS. YOU’RE WELCOME FOR LIBERATION DAY, AMERICA! DONNIE J MISSED “THE DEADLINE” (WHOOPS!) AND NOW I RUN THE SHOW. THANK YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION TO THIS MATTER! — GCN
MANY PEOPLE ARE SAYING — AND I AGREE — THAT I, GAVIN C. NEWSOM (AMERICA’S FAVORITE GOVERNOR) DESERVE THE NOBEL PEACE PRIZE. WHY? BECAUSE OF THE “MOST INCREDIBLE MAPS IN THE HISTORY OF MAPPING” (EVEN COLUMBUS). THESE MAPS WILL END THE “VERY RIGGED” ELECTIONS, MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN (MAGA!!!), RETAKE CONGRESS “FOR THE PEOPLE”, AND SAVE DEMOCRACY. NOBODY ELSE COULD HAVE DONE THIS — CERTAINLY NOT THE “SELF-PROCLAIMED” MASTER DEALMAKER DONALD “TACO” TRUMP (TINY HANDS) WHO MISSED “THE DEADLINE” AND LOST (SAD!). PEACE THROUGH MAPS — NO ONE HAS EVER THOUGHT OF THIS BEFORE. I AM THE “PEACE TIME” GOVERNOR NOW, STOPPING “POLITICAL WARS” BEFORE THEY START. HARMONY, UNITY, EVEN LOVE. THE NOBEL COMMITTEE HAS GIVEN THIS AWARD TO LESSER PEOPLE FOR MUCH LESS. I, GAVIN C. NEWSOM, ACTUALLY EARNED IT. THE WORLD WILL BE SAFER, KINDER, AND FRANKLY MORE “BEAUTIFUL” BECAUSE OF MY MAPS. GIVE GAVIN THE NOBEL, MANY ARE SAYING. THANK YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION TO THIS MATTER! — GCN