An empty telephone

I don't know how I managed to do this but I woke up this morning covered in bruises.

[Albert Brooks @AlbertBrooks]

Mel Brooks is 100 years old today! Many people think that Mel is my father.  He isn’t.  But what he is is one of the great comic minds of the last 100 years.  Happy birthday Mel, from your fake son.

[An empty telephone @infinitebreasts]

@Bravo_Clown @RachelZader Yeah, men have to stop being like you.

[An empty telephone @infinitebreasts]

@starshipTARDIS I guess that depends on whether you think The X-Files is copaganda.

[derek guy @dieworkwear]

Yes, I know the secret source to clothes that work for 99% of men, regardless of their age, personality, body type, lifestyle, and regional climate. These clothes are super cheap but extraordinarily well made and can be had with a click of a link. But I won't tell you bc I'm mean

[Cody Leach @CodyLeachYT]

Well this sucks! How the fuck am I supposed to know if it’s a “masterpiece” or if “Matt Damon IS Odysseus” or if I should “give it all the awards”…

[John Ganz @lionel_trolling]

Nixon was an unprincipled reactionary

[John Ganz @lionel_trolling]

Well, Zaid, in point of fact, there was one group they hated more.

[Jupin's Gems @JupinsGems]

"The part I was least interested in was Captain America just refusing to make out with this Bucky Barnes."

-WHM On-Screen: Captain America: Civil War

[An empty telephone @infinitebreasts]

@cessonmute And, respectfully, she was a 10 then and she's a 10 now.

[Meech @MediumSizeMeech]

“Is lateness a moral failure?” Let’s ask Abraham Lincoln, OH THAT’S RIGHT, WE CAN’T because John Wilkes Booth was ON TIME to assassinate him

[Henry Winkler @hwinkler4real]

With deep respect and affection

[An empty telephone @infinitebreasts]

@CoreyTheX @XMoney You're an idiot.

[An empty telephone @infinitebreasts]

@McStoryGal @AuschwitzMuseum @DrOp_SnOw_No1 You know what they say about good intentions?

[microplastics nanobubbler @facetedcarapace]

Thinking about my friend in middle school who got in big trouble when his parents found out he had jumping freight trains like a hobo to get home from school because he didn't like the school bus

[arvo färt @arvofart]

If you let Rick Rubin or Kylie Jenner impact your opinions on anything, you have cottage cheese where your brain should be

[Janel Comeau 🍁 @VeryBadLlama]

not necessarily saying a president needs to know how to manage algae, but if the manager of a Super 8 fucked up the swimming pool so badly they had to call in the National Guard, my response would not be "hell yeah let's let this guy take a crack at brokering peace with Iran"

[Jane Altoids @staticbluebat]

The moral arbiter of wisdom Rick Rubin and the coolest person alive Kylie Jenner. ok

[wolfgang fuckface @mustachetoilet]

Please stop saying "time blindness"