har: I’m leaving you
me: is it bc I named our pets after rappers?
her: no it's bc this house is overrun with farm animals
me: fine, well me and kendrick llama and chance the rabbit and childish lambino and notorious PIG and dr. ney and quacklemore don't need you anyway
me and this lil ol mexican lady were talking in spanish and this old white bitch in a wheelchair said “we’re in america why dont you speak english” and the lil mexican lady told her “you have legs why dont you walk”
I nearly died. I gave her free coffee
I begged somebody for years for what I needed to be happy in a relationship & never got it. Not even close. I just started dating somebody & everything the last person refused to do the new person does it eagerly without me even asking. That’s an upgrade.