J.Lars

[Patrick Neve @catholicpat]

I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.

TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.

Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.

[Ben Avery @benaveryisgood]

When traffic slows to under ten mph you should be allowed to start drinking

[Gabo @bag0leir0]

Loving my new rum and coke bottle, lasts my whole shift as a elementary school police officer

[Vaush 📺 @VaushV]

I understand the arguments against gas stoves but the problem with electric stoves that people are failing to consider is that they fucking suck

[J.Lars @jacklarso490]

Y’all can have Tik tok. I will be over here watching animal rescue videos on Facebook.

[alessandra @bIiccy]

my baby kicks so much every time i drink lol he loves applebees margs!!

[Ray Kump @RayKump]

Democracy only works when everyone assumes the vote is fraudulent and just doesn’t care. Caring about fraud is for suckers, just get better at it.

[Dan Toomey @dhtoomey]

Levels of male friendship:

Just met —> “Seem like a cool guy…”

Hung out twice —> “I got a buddy who…”

Go out on weekends —> “I got a buddy who…”

Literally best friends —> “I got a buddy who…”

Known each other for life —> “I got a buddy who…”

[🛼 @astrog1rll]

you got a 3 person beef limit before I start to think you the problem.

[kelbin @pissboymcgee]

kid i used to work with at chipotle made a mixtape and one of his lines that stuck with me through the years was “i got benjamin button disease. got so many benjamins i can’t button my jeans” pretty sure he’s still working in kitchens but he at least changed me

[ab d. roger @aliabdi]

double meat at chipotle is free this week you just need to bring a gun

[soul nate @MNateShyamalan]

in 2012, macklemore exploded from out of nowhere to tell us he shops at goodwill and thought he was gay in elementary school, and then he disappeared forever. each of us gets only one shout into the wind

[** @bigguccicraigy]

Tom brady met his kids and wife for the first time and said fuck that

[blanco @beerdefeater]

Just saw someone say they got the ick from the way their bfs body flailed around when they got in a car crash

[Tim Dillon @TimJDillon]

He’s ready

[Phil Jamesson @PhilJamesson]

i never should have gone back to school