Jacob Corsaro

Paul Blart: Heart Throb

[Jacob Corsaro @JacobCorsaro]

Kinda sucks how the ONE YEAR I have a date to Toyotathon it gets cancelled ://

[Jacob Corsaro @JacobCorsaro]

@uhaul Y’all seein this?

[Jacob Corsaro @JacobCorsaro]

#WatchWithUS Chapman is all over this one

https://t.co/UuufqLuXhW

[Jacob Corsaro @JacobCorsaro]

Here’s what we know:
•A woman says “I need 6 eggs”
•A man responds “that’s too expensive”
•Gaston later recounts “when I was a lad I ate 4 dozen eggs every morning to help me get large”
•He goes on to explain he now has 5 dozen/day

Gaston is HOARDING eggs and driving up cost

[Jacob Corsaro @JacobCorsaro]

What’s the best way to approach a woman I don’t know well?

(For context, the woman is Bryce Dallas Howard and I want to see if she’ll go halvsies on a Taco Bell franchise with me)

[Jacob Corsaro @JacobCorsaro]

Someone should tell him to “shut up and dribble”

[New York Post @nypost]

Newest Trump Tower: Barron shows off his 6-foot-7 height in NYC https://t.co/3M7F312L0g

[Jacob Corsaro @JacobCorsaro]

Ayyy Giuseppe! What happened? You got in a rumble with Punocello’s kid? He beat yourface into a bolognese. Grab some marinara ice from the freezer and put it on your eye—caspita!

[Jacob Corsaro @JacobCorsaro]

Mike’s face gets covered by a Q-Anon “Q” and he’s thrilled to be in the papers

I wouldn’t bother with this one folks

[Jacob Corsaro @JacobCorsaro]

Devestated to announce the third installment in the Monsters Inc franchise will feature Mike and Sully as lobbyists schmoozing with Monstropolis politicians (spoiler Randall is the Majority Leader). Working title is “Mongressional Gridlock”

Look, I’m as bummed as you are

[Jacob Corsaro @JacobCorsaro]

Oh boy—I’m being told the climax of the movie comes when Sully makes an impassioned case that “Corporations should have the same rights as Monsters”

Feels like there is a heavy handed influence on the story line

[Jacob Corsaro @JacobCorsaro]

@ALLCAPSMARIE Might buy it back off her

[Jacob Corsaro @JacobCorsaro]

The person cutting my hair spent the whole time complimenting my curls and then?? decided to?? cut them all off???

[Jacob Corsaro @JacobCorsaro]

He’s relentless.

[Jacob Corsaro @JacobCorsaro]

Mhm. Likely story—well too little too late pal!!

[Jacob Corsaro @JacobCorsaro]

Tired of women only liking me for my new wireless MagSafe car charger

(Practicing this for when it is inevitably going to dominate my relationships)

[Jacob Corsaro @JacobCorsaro]

I am, unfortunately, going through my LMFAO phase in present day. Asking for privacy at this time.

[Jacob Corsaro @JacobCorsaro]

https://t.co/gUyVsO0why #thursdayvibes

[Jacob Corsaro @JacobCorsaro]

Just saw a commercial for Nevada—guess I’ll go there

[Jacob Corsaro @JacobCorsaro]

Sorry, Disney’s “Brave” but Luca has the best hair in Disney/Pixar history (unbiased opinion)

[Jacob Corsaro @JacobCorsaro]

YOU SHOULD BE UPSET THAT I HAD A LAUGH WITH HER!!!

-Me after the Wendy’s manager reprimands me for drawing a mustache on the logo’s face

[Jacob Corsaro @JacobCorsaro]

When I get invited on a 48 month cruise