Jacob Shoaf

I'm a Jacobish oaf.

[Jacob Shoaf @jacobshoaf]

Someone About to Orgasm When They Realize How to Get Revenge on Their Arch-Nemesis:

(normal voice) Oh my god, I’m going to
(stage whisper) give them their
(normal voice) come
(stage whisper) uppance…

[Jacob Shoaf @jacobshoaf]

@promowestlive Any chance the @josiahandthe show will get bumped up to the Newport? I didn’t know tickets were on sale until it was already sold out…

[Jacob Shoaf @jacobshoaf]

@CapitalOne @taylorswift13 Dionne Warwick was right about this for the record. #TSxCapitalOne #Giveaway

[Jacob Shoaf @jacobshoaf]

@SpinnerLA66 Just Grape Nuts, milk, and the resulting ennui.

[Jacob Shoaf @jacobshoaf]

Grape Nuts is so filling because when your body considers being hungry again, it will immediately fear that you will feed it Grape Nuts.

[Jacob Shoaf @jacobshoaf]

@ExoticExpat If they don’t want me to pour it in a bowl, drown it in milk, and proceed to gripe, they shouldn’t call it “cereal.”

[Jacob Shoaf @jacobshoaf]

@capbum1 This is simultaneously disturbing and comforting. Thank you!

[Jacob Shoaf @jacobshoaf]

(at the grocery store buying Grape Nuts) “I don’t need to like things!”

[Jacob Shoaf @jacobshoaf]

(Meanwhile, at a different tree across town)
Godot: Where the hell are Vladimir and Estragon…?

[Jacob Shoaf @jacobshoaf]

I want to do a play called Werthering Heights where it’s a stage production of Brontë’s classic but everyone’s mouths are full of caramels.

[Jacob Shoaf @jacobshoaf]

Me every time a new malady from aging befalls me: “Wait, THAT was the good life??”

[Jacob Shoaf @jacobshoaf]

More like “FitzBOATraldo.”

[Jacob Shoaf @jacobshoaf]

@casualcustodian @e_pepple @MissRayon My first pitch is stealing Erik’s Jaws 8: Jaws in Space.

[Jacob Shoaf @jacobshoaf]

I can’t believe conservatives oppose abortion. It’s basically a Stand Your Ground law for a uterus.

[Jacob Shoaf @jacobshoaf]

Maybe conservatives would be more in favor of abortion if we convinced them that a gun was somehow involved.

[Jacob Shoaf @jacobshoaf]

I am deeply upset about today’s Supreme Court decision (and several other ones from the past few weeks/months/years). But I am also someone who filters everything through (attempted) humor. So:

[Jacob Shoaf @jacobshoaf]

I hate to see you go, but I love to watch you wipe.

[Jacob Shoaf @jacobshoaf]

“Daddy, can I help?” is the sound of a project that’s about to take three times longer than it’s supposed to.

[Jacob Shoaf @jacobshoaf]

How’s my driving? Call 1-800-EAT-PÂTÉ!