Jake

[Jake @jakemeister35]

I am not stoned or drunk rn I swear

[Jake @jakemeister35]

My brain just imploded because I've only just realized that when you're baking, you don't need to use an actual measuring cup. You can just use any fucking cup and the recipes should (roughly) work as long as everything is measured using the same cup cause its all just fractions

[Jake @jakemeister35]

Why the fuck did no one tell me that peanut butter is good in the dark?

[Jake @jakemeister35]

My underwear looks like a Rorschach test from all the sweat today, fuck me

[Jake @jakemeister35]

It's been said before, but there are a lot of ugly-ass babies out there

[Jake @jakemeister35]

They should do a hospital in the same style as those restaurants where the waitresses are super rude to you on purpose

[Jake @jakemeister35]

I finally know why carrots are orange but I have literally no way of integrating it into normal conversation

[Jake @jakemeister35]

Flip flops are the modern day equivalent of cowboy boots with spurs

[Jake @jakemeister35]

@MsNHislop @SACTVDSB How much did you pay him?

[Jake @jakemeister35]

@madi_22 https://t.co/P8nHuOdEaK

[Jake @jakemeister35]

I don't get why women complain about period cramps, like, it's not my fault you didn't stretch first, jeeeez 🙄

[Jake @jakemeister35]

I'm not admitting I only just realized why it's called tie-dye, I'm just saying the "dye" part is so much more obviousand important, I never even thought about the "tie" part

[Jake @jakemeister35]

Every crossing guard I've ever seen has driven a Toyota Rav4. New stereotype?👀

[Jake @jakemeister35]

@madi_22 Kermit was a muppet, he didn't live on sesame street you fuckin idiot

[Jake @jakemeister35]

Imagine you're trying to make a name for yourself as like, a model, and you finally your first big break, and it's for a big company, and a big paycheck, and you get there and find out they just wanna use your picture for the stock photo that comes with the picture frame

[Jake @jakemeister35]

Someone fucked up not naming icicles "splashtites", and "splashmites"

[Jake @jakemeister35]

@hollyclawz Yeah, I've been listening to CCR for bout 7 years now, they're pretty cool

[Jake @jakemeister35]

@madi_22 Exactly, I don't even wear thongs!!!

[Jake @jakemeister35]

@landon_kenney Showing no results, did you mean "How to lie to your child"?

[Jake @jakemeister35]

How can it be, that the same God who made such beautiful autumn spectacles as the changing colours of the leaves, is also responsible for the existence of the brainless cunts I call coworkers?