Jaqi Furback

Comedian, storyteller, dumb thought haver.

[Jaqi Furback @jaqifurback]

Masks: making NYC street smells tolerable since 2020

[Jaqi Furback @jaqifurback]

Overheard at a sporting event, said by a man on the phone behind me.

"I found the best bar.
At the airport.
In Utah."

Does anyone know this bar? Because I want to know why it is the best in all of Utah AND ALSO THE WORLD

[Jaqi Furback @jaqifurback]

@iamryanbeck This is one of the smartest things I've ever read.

[Jaqi Furback @jaqifurback]

@BestJakeYoung Cleaning house for new material

[Jaqi Furback @jaqifurback]

@joshgondelman YES.

[Jaqi Furback @jaqifurback]

@pattonoswalt Ooof.

[Jaqi Furback @jaqifurback]

@kylekinane If it makes you feel better or worse, I ran into a guy who looked so much like you that a drunk friend demanded I take a picture of the two of them as if the guy was you

[Jaqi Furback @jaqifurback]

After getting desensitized to high priced health insurance plans in NYC, I just bought a WA state plan that's so cheap, I'm like "this is too much... you shouldn't have... take some back. No? Well, at least let me pay a higher deductible...? Or... can I tip you...?"

[Jaqi Furback @jaqifurback]

If you would like to get in touch with Batman, please email: [email protected]

[Jaqi Furback @jaqifurback]

Math and words and logic that kinda works but doesn't

The word "middle" means the midpoint between two ends. (ref: any dictionary)

If true, shouldn't the middle class refer to ppl halfway between $0 and $Bezos? The "middle class" is people with $94 billion in the bank

[Jaqi Furback @jaqifurback]

Has anyone out there ever had a dream with so many screwball cameos that you wake up feeling like you just watched an @AdamSandler flick?

Shout out to @tomhanks, who gave an Oscar worthy performance as "bartender #2" last night in my sleepytime brain film 👏👏👏

[Jaqi Furback @jaqifurback]

Have you guys ever heard of LOTION? It's amazing.

[Jaqi Furback @jaqifurback]

I own Moderna stock but got the Pfizer shot cuz "don't get high on your own supply."

#vaccinated #VaccinesSaveLives #Pfizer #Moderna

[Jaqi Furback @jaqifurback]

The saying "If it ain't broke, don't fix it" is only relevant when something isn't broken.

[Jaqi Furback @jaqifurback]

"Moderna or Pfizer?" is the new "Apple or Android?"

J&J is the burner flip phone.

#vaccinated #vaccines #moderna #Pfizer

[Jaqi Furback @jaqifurback]

If you have a 2 hr conversation with someone and don't ask a single question to learn more or to clarify something your date said, your core value isn't "communication." It's "talking."

#dating

[Jaqi Furback @jaqifurback]

The day you realize you're an extrovert AND have social anxiety

#socialanxiety #extrovert #anxiety #confused

[Jaqi Furback @jaqifurback]

Pursuing a new career. Does anyone know where I can find a really good masterclass on "international espionage?"

[Jaqi Furback @jaqifurback]

I caught up with an old fling from my 20s recently who told me that I hit pause for 5 minutes on our first date to spend some time climbing a tree. Tbh I'd do it again if the moment felt right.

[Jaqi Furback @jaqifurback]

In case no one was wondering, I've recently learned that my ability to be comfortable having my picture taken is directly linked to how I feel about my jawline.

[Jaqi Furback @jaqifurback]

Dear women (and myself):

When a guy judges any woman on a 10pt scale, he is immediately a 2. No matter how good he looks.

Walk. Away.

#wisdom #selflove #selfrespect #youdeservebetter #NarcissisticAbuse #narcissist #boundaries #EmotionalWellbeing #personalgrowth