Jake Willard

I win fantasy football. A lot. | Xavier University Intramural HOFer | Tee Higgins is a #1 | Not From State Farm | Gold Star Enthusiast | #GirlDad

[Amelia @amelia_tweetz]

I was told today by a 17-year-old that there was no way people were writing 10 page papers without Al.

Dude, I was writing 10 page papers without having read the book.

[bomani @bomani_jones]

i’d make my request more specific than that.

[NOBUNAGA🇯🇵🏯_夏樹蒼依 @japan_nobunaga]

USA. A Mexican restaurant. We had not yet ordered anything, and the food was already arriving.

Chips. Salsa. Unrequested. Free.

I stopped the waiter. "We have not earned these."

"They just come with the table, man."

They come with the TABLE. In my land, hospitality is a debt. Every gift creates an obligation, weighed carefully, returned in the proper season with interest of feeling. Here, the gift arrives before you have even proven you can pay for dinner.

This is not an appetizer. This is a declaration: we trust you. Eat.

I ate with the gravity the moment deserved. And then — I must report this calmly — the basket emptied, and a new one appeared.

"Did we…?"

"Refill," the waiter said. "It's bottomless."

Bottomless. They have wells of salsa. The supply lines of this nation are beyond anything my ancestors imagined.

My friend warned me. "Don't fill up on chips, dude."

Too late. I had accepted three baskets. Honor demanded each one be finished — an unfinished gift is an insult. By the time my actual food arrived, I was a ruined man.

I was not hungry. I was not comfortable. I had been defeated by a courtesy.

Generosity that arrives before the request cannot be repaid. It can only be survived.

I know the rule now. I have made my peace with the basket. One basket. Two at the most.

Who am I deceiving. There is no number of baskets I would refuse. The trust of a nation is in that salsa, and I intend to honor all of it.

[Warren Sharp @SharpFootball]

there’s a German guy named Freddy here for the World Cup

as far as I can tell his meals on Monday were:

Waffle House at 1 AM
Wendy’s for lunch
Chili’s for dinner & NBA Finals Game 3

little does he know he just earned his citizenship, that was the secret meal combo to unlock it

[Jake Willard @jbswillard]

@Loyloy_392 Oscar and Shaq def gotta carry on that end

[Jake Willard @jbswillard]

100% convinced this game exists just to piss me off. 9 losses??

[Jake Willard @jbswillard]

The fact that I can't play Jokic as a PG in 82-0 pisses me off

[Jays Propaganda @JaysPropaganda]

World B. Free is benefiting greatly from 82-0

[Jake Willard @jbswillard]

@WimonSillard Zan Tabak

[Zac Hill @zdch]

The whole 82-0 phenomenon reinforces that whole bit about how the only thing a bunch of dudes need in order to have a good time is to sit around announcing the names of a bunch of old athletes.

[Jake Willard @jbswillard]

0-82 might be impossible

[Jake Willard @jbswillard]

Strong correlation between depression and weight. Thanks a lot, @philcastelllini

[Three Year Letterman @3YearLetterman]

I have never met a Reds fan who wasn’t obese

[Jake Willard @jbswillard]

50% of the NBA Finals starters are from the Big East 👀

[Hovah76 @hovah76]

Forget about the 5 turnovers for Caitlin Clark last night.

Forget about the 3 turnovers by Caitlin in the clutch last night.

Forget about all of the flopping from Caitlin last night.

Forget about the fact that Caitlin was yelling at her Coach again last night, and refusing to accept ANY coaching or accountability for her own HORRIBLE defensive performance.
—————————————————

Nope. Just forget about ALL of that:

The most egregious thing of ALL from last night’s game…….was that in addition to ALL OF THAT…….the Golden State Valkyries scored 28……..count them, TWENTY-EIGHT POINTS with CAITLIN CLARK as the primary defender!

They literally stopped running plays. The offense for the Valkyries was this: “If Caitlin is guarding her, bust her down! PERIOD!

No screens. No rolls. Iso. One-on-one. Bust her DOWN!!!!!
—————————————————

She is so arrogant. She is so entitled. She is such a complete BRAT, that no one can correct her. No one can coach her.

She is a defensive liability. She is an offensive liability. She lacks the athleticism and work ethic necessary to effectively guard other PG’s at this level.

Could you just IMAGINE the frustration of being a Head Coach, and watching opposing teams TARGETING and DESTROYING your starting PG every night, and when you try to show her what SHE is doing wrong, she shuts you down, gives you attitude, tells you off, and blames her teammates.

What a nightmare.

Well, lest there be ANY debate, here is LIVE VIDEO of the WNBA’s record-setting turnover MACHINE getting DESTROYED for 28 points last night! 🏀🏀

[Jake Willard @jbswillard]

@Loyloy_392 This is an awful take but I love your loyalty

[The White House @WhiteHouse]

Today, we remember a legend.

On this day in history, Harambe would have celebrated another birthday. An icon that became part of internet history, American culture, and an entire generation’s timeline.

Tomorrow marks 10 years since we lost him. Ten years since the moment the world stopped scrolling and collectively mourned something bigger than a meme.

He became a symbol of loyalty, strength, chaos, unity, and the strange beauty of the internet bringing millions of people together for one cause: never forgetting Harambe.

Everyone remembers where they were when they heard the news. And somehow, a decade later, his legacy still lives on.

Gone, but never forgotten.
Rest easy to a true patriot. 🕊️🇺🇸

May 27, 1999 — May 28, 2016
Forever in our hearts.