Michelle White

I want to build a time machine.

[Texts From Last Night @TFLN]

(312): You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.

[Texts From Last Night @TFLN]

(630): And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear

[Michelle White @jerkosaur]

Standing in line at Walmart for Black Friday...all the people around me have gone fucking daffy!

[Michelle White @jerkosaur]

Don't text me and tell me how happy you are for me then follow it up a few days later with how bad you fucked up.

[Michelle White @jerkosaur]

*Almost hit car in front of us* "I almost crashed because I was too busy looking at your panties." - @sistrchrstian

[Michelle White @jerkosaur]

@Em_Weeeezy @sistrchrstian Oh my God I couldn't even handle the sister, balloon thing. Bahaha.

[Michelle White @jerkosaur]

@Em_Weeeezy Well as I type this in my head it is all in british! We shall meet tomorrow for tea and we shall scrub all the teeth!

[Michelle White @jerkosaur]

@Em_Weeeezy You're beautiful!

[Michelle White @jerkosaur]

Laying on the couch, watching Resevoir Dogs..

[Michelle White @jerkosaur]

@levresmonsieur I get to see you soon!? :D

[Michelle White @jerkosaur]

Why do I watch American Horror Story when I'm alone at work? Oh that's right, because I like the feeling of intense paranoia.

[Michelle White @jerkosaur]

I was with Eddie until 2 am last night. We just talked. My hot pocket didn't even get any love. - @Em_Weeeezy

[Michelle White @jerkosaur]

17 year old patient comes in with chipped front tooth. Says he and girlfriend were wrestling and it accidentally got knocked off...Rigghhht

[Michelle White @jerkosaur]

There's no light at the end of the tunnel tonight, just a bridge that I gotta' burn.

[Michelle White @jerkosaur]

@saakesan You're one hot, sassy mess!

[Michelle White @jerkosaur]

When you're home alone and can't get the soda bottle open. #girlfriendproblems

[Michelle White @jerkosaur]

Literally shaking :( I don't know what to do..

[The Ellen Show @TheEllenShow]

Today is my 1,400th show. If I had a nickel for every show I've done, I'd have $70. Good thing I don't get paid in nickels.

[Michelle White @jerkosaur]

Today is the worst day ever..honestly, could it get any shittier?

[Vinny Guadagnino @VINNYGUADAGNINO]

Plan B is really just a $50 nut.