Black Aspen Sunset

[Black Aspen Sunset @jessdevivre]

The existence of Big Bird implies a greater Bigger Bird, and more terrifying yet, the Sesame Street boss: Biggest Bird.

[Black Aspen Sunset @jessdevivre]

Why is it when we smell something stinky we have to take another sniff to make sure?

[Black Aspen Sunset @jessdevivre]

I feel like I just did these dishes. How are they dirty again? Absolute ‘dé job vu.’

[Black Aspen Sunset @jessdevivre]

Americans report rainfall linearly rather than volumetrically. We say we got a ‘foot of rain’ and mean 12 inches of accumulated rainfall. Yet when I say “we got three bellybuttons of rain” my husband says I’m “doing it wrong” and “stop being a creep.”

[Black Aspen Sunset @jessdevivre]

That gap in my resume? I was trying to find the end of the packing tape roll.

[Black Aspen Sunset @jessdevivre]

The closest humanity has gotten to telepathy is being able to text someone in the same room about something weird that other guy in the room just said.

[Black Aspen Sunset @jessdevivre]

My dog, every day while I’m making dinner: Hey, you know, I just feel like it’s been a really long time since I walked up beside you and put your fingers up my nose. Do you feel like that too?

[Black Aspen Sunset @jessdevivre]

Jesse Plemons looks like someone tried to draw Matt Damon from memory after going on a hot dog bender at the fair.

[Black Aspen Sunset @jessdevivre]

I can’t explain it but Judge Reinhold is Jon Arbuckle from Garfield.

[Black Aspen Sunset @jessdevivre]

@farmingandJesus You’re absolutely right.

[Black Aspen Sunset @jessdevivre]

@TheModerateCase Please run for office. We need logical and based leaders who can understand and articulate cause and effect policy.

[Black Aspen Sunset @jessdevivre]

Someone should make a cowboy-themed walkie talkie and call it a Wonky Tonky.

[Black Aspen Sunset @jessdevivre]

Black Friday is the day you hear from every company you ever bought anything from since you were six. Hope you didn’t like your email account. Just burn it all down and start over.

[Black Aspen Sunset @jessdevivre]

Wait! Wait, I’ve seen this one... it’s where the one that escapes, Caesar, learns to speak English and leads a deadly rebellion against humanity or something. But this is fine. I’m sure this is fine.

https://t.co/4PncPMkFne

[Black Aspen Sunset @jessdevivre]

Y’all know if the timing had been right Justin Timberlake woulda been in the BeeGees.

[Black Aspen Sunset @jessdevivre]

Does anyone know if Columbus has come out and seen his shadow?

[Black Aspen Sunset @jessdevivre]

Me, trying to sleep through a terrible headache.

My body: Hey yknow what helps? Apnea. Let’s just stop all oxygen and see if that helps brain.

[Black Aspen Sunset @jessdevivre]

I can’t believe that referee is suing Cardi B when all she did was cuss. At most it should be a yellow card.

[Black Aspen Sunset @jessdevivre]

Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce have decided to never break up. In more headlines, Taylor Swift is now unemployed.

[Black Aspen Sunset @jessdevivre]

Cumin is powdered BO and everyone knows it. I’m just brave enough to say it.