Joseph Green

[Joseph Green @joegreencomedy]

I don’t know if you can tell by the cadence of my prose but I recently downloaded a new astrology app. It described my essence as “unreliable rodeo clown”.

[Joseph Green @joegreencomedy]

@AureliaStClair Stop attaching me!

[Norm Macdonald @normmacdonald]

At times, the joy that life attacks me with is unbearable and leads to gasping hysterical laughter. I find myself completely out of control and wonder how could life could surprise me again and again and again, so completely. How could a man be a cynic? It is a sin.

[Blake Everett @blakeverett]

The undisputed scallywag of comedy; @joegreencomedy has such a unique voice and I implore you to see his show #micf #show30

[Joseph Green @joegreencomedy]

“Now put your hands together for the very talented, Joseph Green.” - Every MC I’ve ever had. https://t.co/unbJPkvZEf

[Luka Muller @LukaCMuller]

If someone describes a comedian as 'talented' that means they are not funny

[Joseph Green @joegreencomedy]

@uptowndklau I feel this is a personal attack.

[Nick @nmooney91]

Seeing the man the myth the legend @joegreencomedy tonight, going to be a ripper of a show. Come on down to The Upstairs Lounge @ Hairy Little Sista #MICF #comedy #dreamerexamineshispillow

[Joseph Green @joegreencomedy]

@Ornyadams virtuoso work @TheComicsLounge tonight.

[Joseph Green @joegreencomedy]

My brother just reminded me that he caught me masturbating on an ergonomic chair when i was a teenager. Normally I’d say “shut up you liar” but a week before the comedy festival I took a paper and pen and said “tell me everything”.

[Joseph Green @joegreencomedy]

Porn on the internet has made us addicted to instant gratification which produces dopamine. It’s better to cultivate genuine connection and collaboration which produces seratonin.The lesson? Stop watching porn, start making it.

[Joseph Green @joegreencomedy]

Someone wrote a book called ‘the life changing magic of not giving a fuck’ & then a few years later someone wrote a book called ‘the subtle art of not giving a fuck’ & sold way more copies. Fortunately the first writer doesn’t care. And neither does anybody else.

[Joseph Green @joegreencomedy]

A fold out bed is the best reminder that life could always be worse but it could also be a whole lot better.

[Joseph Green @joegreencomedy]

@AaronGocs hahaha

[Joseph Green @joegreencomedy]

A man at an open mic told me he‘d written a screenplay that was a “shoe-in” to win an Oscar. And if it didn’t win he would be “very surprised”. Imagine bombing onstage then your inner-monologue being “at least I’ve got a screenplay that’s a shoe-in to win an academy award.”

[Joseph Green @joegreencomedy]

Post Beatles blues, out of work drummer, the agent calls, “Ringo, you know the audition you did for the talking blue train? YOU GOT THE JOB!” Talk about a revolution!

[Beer Eye @matesguys]

Cheeky little snap of @joegreencomedy and his 6 Club pic from the latest episode

[Beer Eye @matesguys]

Bloody awesome new episode is out now!

@MurphyMcLachlan is joined by @AJ_Taco @JacqMifsud and @joegreencomedy

MP3: https://t.co/8eJsvh7xrg

iTunes:
https://t.co/L8RbBzGkVo

[Joseph Green @joegreencomedy]

Me: I have value. I HAVE VALUE.

My accountant: your total value is minus $6,500 + a toaster.

Me: well mate, it’s a f’n good toaster.

My ex-girlfriend: when can I come get my toaster?

[Joseph Green @joegreencomedy]

@LukaCMuller @VICEAU Was that supposed to link me to man on man porn? I’m new to Twitter.

[Joseph Green @joegreencomedy]

Kevin Spacey auditioned for the lead role in the film “Call me by your name” but the director said he was “too natural”.