John Eisenhardt

The Bad Boy of Christian Comedy

[John Eisenhardt @johnjonjovi]

@OakCityCom

[John Eisenhardt @johnjonjovi]

R.I.P John McCain, I like to think you're being tortured up in heaven

[John Eisenhardt @johnjonjovi]

One summer I worked as a male prostitute. Whenever someone treated me like I was less than human I would tell them....."Only God can judge me and last time I checked you ain't God dude" and then I'd lick my lips and add..... "yet". That's sales 101 people

[John Eisenhardt @johnjonjovi]

Thanks to the magnifying glass, all ants are fire ants

[John Eisenhardt @johnjonjovi]

I like to go thru airport security with an erection. Make it triple xray

[John Eisenhardt @johnjonjovi]

If you really want to be happy focus on the NOW, not what happened 3 secs ago #GoldfishLifeCoach

[John Eisenhardt @johnjonjovi]

King Arthur: Behold a round table because we are all equal
Me: A perfect circle is impossible you're philosophy is a lie

[John Eisenhardt @johnjonjovi]

Chauvinist Pig: Sorry Susan, you can't be Anthony

[John Eisenhardt @johnjonjovi]

Good thing the Virginia Tech shooter didn't have a knife. He would've ruined the hokey pokey for everyone

[John Eisenhardt @johnjonjovi]

My dimples be so pimpin. Doctor says I got "PIMP"les

[dummy @EricTrundy]

Taking a date to a comedy open mic is like taking them to look at dogs at the shelter. Only sadder because you can't rescue a comedian. #Sad

[John Eisenhardt @johnjonjovi]

Made the mistake of buying a white bathing suit #Coldwater #HashtagsAre LazyPunchlines

[John Eisenhardt @johnjonjovi]

I used to steal jokes from Mitch Hedberg. I still do, but I used to too

[John Eisenhardt @johnjonjovi]

People ask why psychics never win the lottery, because they can't use their power for evil you dumb idiots

[John Eisenhardt @johnjonjovi]

I like my women like my coffee, black .... and Mexican. #MochaChinos

[John Eisenhardt @johnjonjovi]

I have social anxiety. Lot of people are afraid of dying alone, I'm afraid of spending my last moment on earth making forced small talk

[John Eisenhardt @johnjonjovi]

Kiss the girl - Little Mermaid
#BadChoiceFuneralSongs

[John Eisenhardt @johnjonjovi]

hell is for children - Pat Benatar
#BadChoiceFuneralSongs

[John Eisenhardt @johnjonjovi]

Thug1: This is for are fallen homies ( pours out some of his 40)
Thug2: That tree drank up our homies's beer
Thug1: Fuck that tree, get em