jonas

writer on hiatus. mostly jokes. words in @complex/@pigsandplans, & more.

[jonas @jonasbaker_]

📍timeline tack. long live Ash Riser.

[ASH RISER @ASHRISER]

10 years ago today, #section80 dropped, and I had all of y’all singing this shit

[Chris Gordy @ChrisGordy]

I asked Peyton Manning about 9/26, when Texas travels to Knoxville to play Tennessee. Who will Peyton root for?

Manning says, “I love my university… but nothing’s more important to me than my family.” @LockedOnSEC

[Mina Kimes @minakimes]

I love Danny McBride

https://t.co/S5BUaaGf6X

[thomas hobbs - freelance culture journalist @thobbsjourno]

it is sad because he would have absolutely cleaned up over last 10 years rapping over all the conductor and craven beats

[¡ DocturDot! @WOWGR8ForReal]

If you think Veeze can’t rap u are a child left behind

[mark normand @marknorm]

This looks like a Disney movie where a 12 year old becomes president

[Hunter Biden @HunterBiden]

To everyone so eager to cancel someone for a tattoo they got at age 22, a drunk text, a selfie they took in the middle of a mental health crisis:

Show us your laptop.
Show us your iCloud.
Open your entire digital life to your worst enemy. No context. No filter. No explanation.

You won’t.

You won’t because you know what I know. Any one of us, frozen at our worst moment, photographed in our lowest hour, looks like a monster. Looks like a stranger. Looks like someone who deserves to be cast out.

That is not who we are.

My mom and baby sister were killed in a car accident when I was just a kid. Cancer took my brother Beau, my best friend and my rock. I battled alcoholism. I battled addiction. I chose the coward’s way out more times than I can count.

For years I believed the defining chapters of my life were written by tragedy, loss, and shame.

I no longer believe that.

Pain can shape us. Loss can humble us. Failures can leave scars that never fully fade. But none of them have the authority to define us.

And it sure as hell ain’t the critic that counts.

That authority belongs to us alone-the person in the arena.

Every setback presents a choice. Play the victim, or cut the bullshit and take ownership for who we become next.

Life does not determine our character. It reveals it.

Again and again we are asked the same question. When shit happens, what next?

We are not defined by what happened to us. We are not defined by the worst photo, the worst text, the worst tattoo, the worst night. We are defined by the person we choose to become. And by the courage to choose that person, every single day.

So before you reach for the gavel - show us your laptop.

You won’t.

The whole world saw mine. And I am still here. Still becoming. Still choosing. Still standing.

That is the only definition that matters.

[Stephen Garcia @StephenGarcia]

Little Tuesday morning update. Can’t thank yall enough for the constant support and constant prayers. It helps more than you realize! Attacking this thing head first and pushing forward. No other option. We got this 💩!!#quarterbackyourhealth 🌴

[Stavros Halkias @stavvybaby]

Pedophiles and private equity have ruined America and, more importantly, the New York Knicks home court advantage

[Hunter Biden @HunterBiden]

And who exactly are you Revo? What group are you the self proclaimed spokesperson for. I don’t speak for any group. I’m a privileged Yale educated white dude that fucked up and got addicted to crack cocaine and drank a gallon of vodka a day. I lived in hotels and motels from the Chateau to the Super 8. I’ve been to 9 rehabs. Ive done every drug you can think of and some you’ve never heard of. I’ve had guns pulled on me in Nashville and Philly and NY and LA. I’ve made a lot of money and wasted it all. I’ve known prostitues and pimps and thought of them as my friends. I’ve been robbed and mugged and been in more fist fights than I can count. I am not apart of any class- no respectable class would have me. And now I’m clean. And I am not pretending to be anyone but me. Peace brother.

[jonas @jonasbaker_]

11 beers in the sunlight is equivalent to 3 indoors.

[Hunter Biden @HunterBiden]

@Boilers32 It most definitely was not. I would never have forgotten my drugs.

[jonas @jonasbaker_]

@Bengals x @agentdexy97 now this is sexy #Dexy

[Deante’ Hitchcock @DeanteVH]

RCA asked me what my brand was the very first meeting we had. Wide eyed and broke at 23 I said “being a human being”. They looked at me like I just punted an infant and said nah lmao.

[PFT Commenter @PFTCommenter]

Schefter and rapsheet collabing

[Joshwelt @weltszzn]

I didn’t know an adobe subscription was like signing a 360 deal with birdman

[rich madrid @richjmadrid_]

Brett Favre committed welfare fraud

[droo @imcryingson]

3 albums of “grwm to go to target” music he might be worse than bin laden

[jonas @jonasbaker_]

@will_boling on 104.5 inferring bengals fans are dumb & generally the state of Ohio before 9am.

Very cool.

[Justin J. Pearson @Justinjpearson]

Speaker of the TN House Cameron Sexton just removed me and every Democrat — and therefore every Black elected official in the state legislature from any committee we served on.

This move strips nearly 2 million Tennesseans from the representation they deserve in TN state leg.

[Brett Kollmann @BrettKollmann]

I really don’t think all the SEC schools want to be comparing their histories at the moment. That’s not a road that any of you want to go down.