Jon Oppenheimer

That blonde guy

[Jon Oppenheimer @joppenflopper]

I live for the days when I get scam texts with real people on the other end.

[Jon Oppenheimer @joppenflopper]

My mom called me and my brother autistic today.

[Jon Oppenheimer @joppenflopper]

@Uber_Support Forgot to mention, @Uber_Support literally told me I would receive a refund, but when I followed up about it they said that was a mistake. Why are they toying with me?

[Jon Oppenheimer @joppenflopper]

Took an Uber ride to the airport the other week. My fiance and I spent the first 10 minutes trying to figure out why the car smelled so weirdly of parmesan. Finally we noticed uncleaned vomit all over the floor and passenger door. @Uber_Support is refusing to offer us a refund.

[Jon Oppenheimer @joppenflopper]

@Uber_Support We basically shared a seat for the rest of the ride to stay as far from the puke side of the car as possible and rolled down the window but we were still gagging the whole ride. Is this experience really not worthy of a refund @Uber_Support ?

[Jon Oppenheimer @joppenflopper]

If Hollywood's refusal to make original movies anymore somehow brings back theatrical comedies then maybe it was all worth it.

[Naked Gun Movie @NakedGunMovie]

A hard cop in a soft city. #NakedGun - only in theatres August 1.

[Jon Oppenheimer @joppenflopper]

Citizen is getting kind of loose with what it considers newsworthy.

[Jon Oppenheimer @joppenflopper]

@CrisppyBoat Touristy but when I was in Osaka we did a little Sampuru making class (the wax replicas of food you see outside restaurants). It was super fun! Also probably any guide book will tell you this but Tsukiji Fish Market in Tokyo is a must.

[Jon Oppenheimer @joppenflopper]

Charlie and I always call this “cooking the baby in its mothers milk”

[sky @skymutsuko]

bf just told me he doesn’t like to use oat milk with his granola because it’s “conceptually upsetting” to have oats with more oats

[Jon Oppenheimer @joppenflopper]

Insanely high at the park and I’m this close to stealing a slice of the pizza some parents brought for a little league game

[Jon Oppenheimer @joppenflopper]

My brother posted this photo from the Purim spiel he went to and like that holiday doesn’t even have any Israel related stuff in it.
I’m American and if I was at any event that was going this intense with American flag symbolism I’d be freaked out.

[Jon Oppenheimer @joppenflopper]

Zionists, especially American Zionists, are so insane to me because is this not the exact same kind of blind nationalism you’re claiming is the reason we “need” Israel?

[Jon Oppenheimer @joppenflopper]

@gabishiner Jesus

[Jon Oppenheimer @joppenflopper]

Saxophones are a night time instrument. They’re meant to be heard at 10 PM driving down the highway. Flutes, however, are for the daylight.

[claire rowden @clx1re]

life can be soooo beautiful when you have new episodes dropping of a little tv show you love each week . like oooo monday we have the white lotus and friday we have severance . you can’t kill yourself . it’s not allowed . what about your little tv shows

[Jon Oppenheimer @joppenflopper]

Dave Chappelle (suddenly getting serious 50 minutes into a special):

[mock draft enjoyer @capsboybebop]

remember the super bowl where mr peanut fucking died

[Jon Oppenheimer @joppenflopper]

Just saw a woman on the train use chatGPT to write an “enthusiastic response” to someone’s review of her Homelander fan fiction.

[Jon Oppenheimer @joppenflopper]

@cookiestes COOKOE SUBSTACK LETS GOOO

[Jon Oppenheimer @joppenflopper]

@pyroxiumn Jews looove religious loopholes. One of my favorites is Orthodox Jews aren’t allowed to carry anything on Shabbat UNLESS they build some sort of uninterrupted circle around their house. Then they can carry whatever they want within the circle.