Julia Iris

There's a bluebird in my heart that wants to get out but I'm too clever, I only let him out at night.

[Julia Iris @juliairis]

@kathygriffin @JimmyKimmelLive Purple.

[Julia Iris @juliairis]

@Omar_pets0 Plot twist. Play date.

[Julia Iris @juliairis]

illustration by JuliaIris
#WonderOfWonderArt
https://t.co/O7dE3AygUG

[Julia Iris @juliairis]

Thanks a lot #marriott valet. I just paid $30 to have valet driver fart in my car before handing it over. I even tipped the guy. #dick #nastyass

[Julia Iris @juliairis]

Home on Friday and Saturday night. Alone. Forever.
Me with a kid.

[Julia Iris @juliairis]

What rhymes with brick and truck?

Writing a new song about love.

[Julia Iris @juliairis]

The rejection was bad enough, but did you have to steal my personality to seduce another?

[Julia Iris @juliairis]

If I starred a tweet, chances are it was an accident made while scrolling.

[Julia Iris @juliairis]

I think I'll just tuck my heart back up my sleeve. But my liver? No. I'll still strut that on my pant leg.

[Julia Iris @juliairis]

It's technically not drinking alone as long as Mogli is around. #notanalcoholic

[Julia Iris @juliairis]

"I really need to learn the words to that song. It's just that the words are so gay it's hard for me to sing them." ~Troy

[Julia Iris @juliairis]

Coworker: Whoa! Something really really bad must've happened to that bird! Me: You think?

[Julia Iris @juliairis]

Apparently I was hacked. Sorry tweeters.

[Julia Iris @juliairis]

Me: How do you lose weight doing nothing? Coworker: Just run away from your problems really really fast!

[Julia Iris @juliairis]

People still use bumpits?!?

[Julia Iris @juliairis]

I just don't trust a man in a utility jumpsuit, especially when I see him exit a utility vehicle. He's liable to chop me to pieces.

[Julia Iris @juliairis]

"Yeah, yeah, I know. You take away God from the simpletons and you will have chaos and anarchy." ~Troy

[Julia Iris @juliairis]

@Trey_Righteous Is it your lucky day?

[Julia Iris @juliairis]

I am truly saddened by the death of Sarah Guyard. She was an amazing acrobat. One of the best.

[Julia Iris @juliairis]

Fact: Baby pee smells like Fruit Loops.