Jeff Whitaker

[Jeff Whitaker @jwhitaker18]

I hope one day on his deathbed surrounded by friends and family, Steven Tyler can take a deep breath and say, “I didn’t miss a thang.”

[Jeff Whitaker @jwhitaker18]

Watching people play a harmonica is the most unattractive thing ever. It’s like watching someone suck a tiny corn on the cob.

[Jeff Whitaker @jwhitaker18]

I can’t wait for the quarantine to be lifted so I can enjoy a chill night in.

[Jeff Whitaker @jwhitaker18]

Saw someone buy staples today and thought “the fuck’s he up to?”

[Jeff Whitaker @jwhitaker18]

Comedians need to remember not to shut down hecklers after this. They’ll just be looking to connect!

[Jeff Whitaker @jwhitaker18]

Not making an effort to keep six feet away from me on the sidewalk is the new cutting me off in traffic.

[Jeff Whitaker @jwhitaker18]

I’m gonna Google where Michael Douglas lives and then knock on his front door. I KNOW HE’S HOME!

[Jeff Whitaker @jwhitaker18]

People are gonna have a hell of a time not walking in the middle of the damn street when this is done.

[Jeff Whitaker @jwhitaker18]

Damn. I bet this means silent discos aren’t coming back.

[Jeff Whitaker @jwhitaker18]

Everyday is the same thing:

- wake up bound to a chair in a dark windowless warehouse
- a guy in suspenders and rolled up sleeves asks me to give him the location of the disc
- use a shard of glass to cut myself free
- escape by dodging spotlights
- watch 6 episodes of community

[Jeff Whitaker @jwhitaker18]

Why coins gooey sometimes?

[Jeff Whitaker @jwhitaker18]

Nothing like a quarantine to just lay in bed, throw on headphones and get lost in “Get Low” by Lil Jon & The East Side Boyz.

[Jeff Whitaker @jwhitaker18]

I bet it’ll be a while before someone does an escape room again.

[Jeff Whitaker @jwhitaker18]

Excited to pick up silly temporary hobbies like eating healthy and being grateful for people in my life.

[Jeff Whitaker @jwhitaker18]

Let’s use this time to be productive and quietly get rid of coins.

[Jeff Whitaker @jwhitaker18]

Sorry everyone. I have to shut down for the next month or so because I’m DEFINITELY nonessential.

[Jeff Whitaker @jwhitaker18]

We need to set up a GoFundMe for all the out of work burglars impacted by the #coronavirus

[Jeff Whitaker @jwhitaker18]

One of my favorite new #coronavirus passtimes is seeing how many days in a row I can take a multivitamin. 2 and counting! #COVID19

[Jeff Whitaker @jwhitaker18]

What’s it say about me that all the stuff left at grocery stores is what I’m looking for?

[UCB Theatre LA @ucbtla]

Tired of only seeing competitive improv shows? Come to Sketch Showdown and watch teams duke it out armed with scripted comedy for a change! The winners return, the losers don't! (But we have to call them all winners because we're kind.)

Tickets & Info: https://t.co/7KOgeAz6FJ

[Courtney Sevener @c7er]

I am competing on this show tonight with @jwhitaker18. So that’s something.