the cunt of monte cristo

i’m in the wind baby,, she/her

[the cunt of monte cristo @kelronhubbard]

suny binghamton be like what do you mean we’re racist the Progressive lady literally went to school here

[the cunt of monte cristo @kelronhubbard]

guess my day off

[the cunt of monte cristo @kelronhubbard]

been eating healthy ever since i received someone else’s instacart order last week. might prompt a lifestyle change

[the cunt of monte cristo @kelronhubbard]

oh you’re a middle aged white man who doesn’t like hip hop? how interesting and unique. you should definitely announce that this song is making your ears bleed repeatedly to the entire room

[the cunt of monte cristo @kelronhubbard]

spotted a man stumbling so drunkenly down the street that i was considering going over to help. he sat down for a minute on the sidewalk and then stood up and took off in a dead sprint, perfect form, and disappeared into a house at the end of my block.

[the cunt of monte cristo @kelronhubbard]

every man i know when they see me in the exact same makeup i wear every single day except i added lipstick: oh wow you’re wearing makeup today!

[the cunt of monte cristo @kelronhubbard]

why’s instacart calling me out like this

[the cunt of monte cristo @kelronhubbard]

today i worked a 12 hour shift in a bar with broken air conditioning. to every customer who came up to me to complain about the broken air conditioning i would like to say: you can leave! you can leave and go to any other bar!! i’m stuck here! and i’m aware of the problem!!!

[the cunt of monte cristo @kelronhubbard]

i’m so tired someone asked me if i could make a spicy margarita at work and i said “why soitenly”

[the cunt of monte cristo @kelronhubbard]

today i learned i don’t know earthquake safety protocol and i’m bad in an emergency. ran outside with no shoes, no coat, no valuables just a bag of cheetos

[the cunt of monte cristo @kelronhubbard]

same bitch i was a year ago, same bitch i'll be in a year

[the cunt of monte cristo @kelronhubbard]

early christmas present!! 🤪🤪

[the cunt of monte cristo @kelronhubbard]

hey guys guess what i got for my birthday

[the cunt of monte cristo @kelronhubbard]

some lady looked me dead in the eyes this weekend and said “what’s that drink…with tequila?” and was mad i couldn’t provide. she offered no additional information and was 100% sober when she asked.

[the cunt of monte cristo @kelronhubbard]

no matter what i search for on maps it still thinks i’m trying to get to my bagel place

[the cunt of monte cristo @kelronhubbard]

i played Heads Up at work and had about a dozen drunk customers screaming “YOU! YOU RIGHT NOW!” at me and i couldn’t figure out what they meant. the answer was bartender

[Ben McKenzie @ben_mckenzie]

20 yrs ago today, “The OC” premiered. I keep showing my kids pics to prove how cool I was. For some reason, they don’t seem to get it.

[the cunt of monte cristo @kelronhubbard]

i was watching a very tense scene in a horror movie and the soundtrack was a sort of quick, stressful, slightly out of tune trumpet solo that i thought was a great artistic choice to build anxiety. had to pause and realized my 10 year old neighbor was just practicing for band.

[the cunt of monte cristo @kelronhubbard]

is snap chatting my manager a video of storm clouds rolling in over our patio a passive aggressive way to ask to be cut

[the cunt of monte cristo @kelronhubbard]

no one can cover my shift tomorrow

[the cunt of monte cristo @kelronhubbard]

my landlord just joined snap should i add him??

[the cunt of monte cristo @kelronhubbard]

@humangarlicknot this is way more offensive than the others