Brian Allan

writer | diet pepsi brand ambassador | known for peeing in cups while stuck in traffic

[Brian Allan @brian_c_allan]

Hey! I’m Brian. I’m 22 years old, just a few months from finishing grad school, and I’ve listened to Potential Breakup Song 47 times this week

[Brian Allan @brian_c_allan]

Horrible, misleading journalism. When she gave this quote, the album art hadn’t even been released. She was saying that she didn’t have to worry about public reception yet because no one knew about the album. @YahooEnt You fucking suck. Do better.

[Brian Allan @brian_c_allan]

@RepNancyMace @DOGE @RepRobertGarcia @elonmusk 1) Him saying “bring actual weapons to the barfight” is a metaphor. Is there a literal barfight happening? No. Stop playing dumb.

2) Didn’t you just blow up at a congresswoman & scream at her that you wanted to “take it outside”? And yet you’re against inciting violence? Right…

[Brian Allan @brian_c_allan]

Love Billie but this is all I could think about

[Brian Allan @brian_c_allan]

I have spent my whole life at the intersection of incredibly thirsty and having to piss like a racehorse

[Brian Allan @brian_c_allan]

@OdeyaPinkus @Ticketmaster @jonasbrothers are you seriously going again

[Brian Allan @brian_c_allan]

@kelronhubbard it’s jerry dipshit

[Brian Allan @brian_c_allan]

Picture this: After 10 seconds of intensely trying to recall what pants I would have left my headphones in yesterday, I whispered aloud, with the boldfaced conviction of Einstein discovering the theory of relativity, “My jorts.”

[Brian Allan @brian_c_allan]

The Life with Derek theme song but replace all the kids’ names with “crippling anxiety”

[Brian Allan @brian_c_allan]

@humangarlicknot not only can you, it’s actually your civic duty

[Brian Allan @brian_c_allan]

@OdeyaPinkus What if I cover you in Ragu and push you into a rat pit

[Brian Allan @brian_c_allan]

Choose your fighter: Chris Messina or Christmas Ina

[Brian Allan @brian_c_allan]

Today I Almost Bought Dude Wipes, and Other Tales from the Crypt

[Brian Allan @brian_c_allan]

It’s 2021, people! No one should still be getting the death sentence except copywriters who describe fabrics as buttery

[Brian Allan @brian_c_allan]

My morning affirmations did not say anything about accidentally starting a grease fire

[Brian Allan @brian_c_allan]

Someone today said I was glowing and asked if I was using a new moisturizer or starting anti-depressants or something and was I like no Aubrey Plaza is just on a press tour

[Brian Allan @brian_c_allan]

Things that happen at least once a year:
- A cat does something kooky at a sporting event
- I shit myself at a Home Goods

[Brian Allan @brian_c_allan]

@CaucasianJanes No

[Brian Allan @brian_c_allan]

Hi! Life update: I’ve chosen to believe that Kimberly is an adverb