Sam

Minimally processed and unrefined.

[Sam @keohmas]

HUNDREDS OF BEAVERS 🦫🦫🦫🦫🦫🦫🦫🦫🦫🦫🦫

[Sam @keohmas]

Worth it for some snakeskin Larry Mahan cowboy boots that fit like a glove; no one's gonna talk me out of wearing them to work Monday.

[Sam @keohmas]

I'm too old to even know if they're still called hipsters but boy howdy do I enjoy horrifying them with my presence at my local bougie vintage store...how do they always look different from others but also look exactly alike?

[Sam @keohmas]

I’m just a woman, drunk with my power to take cash out of circulation,

[Sam @keohmas]

@talktoBOI hi there! US banker asking for a client - what is the minimum amount required to open a checking account? Please respond asap. Thanks!!

[Sam @keohmas]

“Kiss me, I’m Irish” but make it “I’m Dutch, don’t touch” 🇳🇱

[Sam @keohmas]

Melba stays unimpressed 😻😻 #impervious

[Sam @keohmas]

what if I find the audio and it turns out he pronounces Hoekstra correctly, does that mean I gotta vote for him?

[Sam @keohmas]

thanks but no thanks 😶‍🌫️

[Sam @keohmas]

Blackened shrimp and king cake for breakfast kind of day, y’all #lundigras

[Sam @keohmas]

Parkway Creole shrimp Poboy and fries add debris and cheese, mama I’m home 😭

[Sam @keohmas]

@IBetterBeFunny I-WAY! Also LeCompte and Des Allemands…

[Sam @keohmas]

@JoshuaHedley No shit.
And waving your arms frantically is no guarantee you’ll be acknowledged, let alone thrown a preserver or pulled out.
So start swimming. Either you make it or you don’t.

[Sam @keohmas]

@IBetterBeFunny What is the opposite of ❤️?
You and me and Sean and BJ saw “Stop Making Sense” there 😭

[Sam @keohmas]

the offer stands

[Sam @keohmas]

I wanna threesome with my snow shovel and push broom ❄️🥵❄️

[Sam @keohmas]

These mfers have the audacity to put “Manic Monday” on the work playlist, I swear this is how the revolution starts

[Sam @keohmas]

I read “Peabody” as “pee-buh-dee” rather than “pea-body,” someone please come beat the yankee out of me 😫

[Sam @keohmas]

Man, you can count the Chattahootchies on Broadway just like counting the Mary statues in yards in south Louisiana. I’m up to 5 today!

[Sam @keohmas]

Woke up early to coordinate fuel delivery from afar - for an extra fee because it’s not completely empty (but I’m bougie enough to want to know that I’ll have heat when I get home); gonna code this as proactive, rather than a total indictment of my capacity for Maine winters

[Sam @keohmas]

@IBetterBeFunny Ok, looking up! We mustn’t forget to factor in Wahlberg’s constant, though 😖

[Sam @keohmas]

Add Boston to La Croix, Adele, yoga, The Princess Bride, Lena Dunham, and Stranger Things as things that I, as a member of my exact targeted demographic, should be wild about but just can’t work up any excitement for 😐