Bender

got my second shot! I hate needles with a passion so this is actually a big deal to me. get your jabs if you haven’t!

[Bender @killallhumans88]

Twitter lord, may I be blocked by that ones I’ve transgressed, as I have blocked those who’ve transgressed me.

[Bender @killallhumans88]

Actual example of oxymoron: flammable and inflammable Appalachian example of oxymoron: your neighbor who called the police cause someone stole their drugs.

[Bender @killallhumans88]

@supermarkusa My ex who I was absolutely sure never thought of me anymore just texted me yesterday saying she couldn’t stop thinking about me. You’re right.

[Bender @killallhumans88]

Fucking hell. Am I ever gonna get over this?

[Bender @killallhumans88]

@Code3Paris

[Bender @killallhumans88]

Three days sober. It isn’t much, but it feels like much to me. Almost drank last night but I read where someone said “I never regret not drinking” and I was like, yeah, that’s a good point. Beginning day 4.

[Bender @killallhumans88]

@millie5569 Not corny, actually one of my favorite comments so far and made me tear up a little. Thank you.

[Bender @killallhumans88]

Sometimes the internet is the most beautiful place in the world. Thanks everyone, let’s go. Day 5.

[Bender @killallhumans88]

Three days sober. It isn’t much, but it feels like much to me. Almost drank last night but I read where someone said “I never regret not drinking” and I was like, yeah, that’s a good point. Beginning day 4.

[Brian Schatz @brianschatz]

I would like to retweet this 700 times but I haven’t found that button.

[No Lie with Brian Tyler Cohen @NoLieWithBTC]

Whenever someone says the media is "liberal," show them this.

[Bender @killallhumans88]

@pattonoswalt Now forest fires in the west to drive the people east, then just wait for the inevitable.

[Patton Oswalt @pattonoswalt]

(sips champagne) phase one complete

[David Hogg 🟧 @davidhogg111]

You’re trying to ban abortion?
I thought bans never work 🤨

[Mike Drucker @MikeDrucker]

“You should hire a plumber!” - plumber I hired looking at the burst pipe I asked him to fix

[Rob Mac @RMcElhenney]

Tonight, Sunny will become the longest running live action sitcom in TV history.

What is wrong with you people? 😊

[Bender @killallhumans88]

I know I’m late with this but still @will_levis @UKFootball @UKAthletics

[Bender @killallhumans88]

I mean… #ukfootball

[Chris Murphy 🟧 @ChrisMurphyCT]

But this doesn’t line up with Republican talking points. I don’t get it.

[President Biden Archived @POTUS46Archive]

If you look at my presidency so far, it’s a jobs presidency and it’s a small business presidency.

[Bender @killallhumans88]

@Sethrogen I’ve always loved Seth Rogen, but never really considered him handsome (sorry) but damn if he ain’t looking fine.