Crimes Johnson

i only shit post

[P.E. Cooper 🇺🇸 @p_e_cooper]

You give me a time, you give me a place, and I give you five minutes.

Not six Jerry! Six is chaos! Five I can do... Five is a system!

[wetsocks @wetsocks]

"you don't turn your back on family, jerry"

[effectfully @effectfully]

That intense feeling of betrayal when you realize she's laughing at your jokes not because she appreciates your humor, but because she's sexually attracted to you.

[one dozen rats at a keyboard @PanasonicDX4500]

easily a top ten funniest regular season series of all time.

[Philly Sports Sufferer @mccrystal_alex]

The Mets gave up a devastating 3 run homer and the broadcast cuts to Norwegian fans having the time of their life and dancing

LOLMETS

[sav @pprivateidaho]

how it feels when the phillies actually lock in for a national broadcast game

[one dozen rats at a keyboard @PanasonicDX4500]

my favorite genre of social media posts

[Poginstein @poginstein]

That's for pearl harbor

[Brett Hollander @BrettHollander]

This is out of Naked Gun or Airplane.

And one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen.

The internet has been redeemed for a day.

[Kivvy Cat! @KivvyCat]

Remembered an embarrassing memory and muttered "I gotta kill myself" under my breath at work and my 40 year old manager looked at me like this

[͏b͏l͏a͏n͏c @dqveed]

They’re slowly taking away the second amendment see

[jake rhodes @jakebrodes]

It’s well known Americans hate children but we also hate teenagers and absolutely despise people in their early twenties. In America you’re basically dead past 30 so the only acceptable age to be is 26, which is also coincidentally the worst year of your life.

[April Clark @autogynefiles]

(on a first date) Can we please just try to have a good night

[𝔽ℙℍ 🇺🇸 SF July 27-Aug 2 @FeralPHunter]

hardest part of being a man is having to hide your beloved flat pillows when a woman comes over

[the northern fucker 𓅫 @evilrelaysp0rt]

a chudling

[Greg the Sorcerer @gregthesorcerer]

Bro look at my chimera I’m gonna get laughed out of the wizards circle

[sucks @powerbottomdad1]

Fat Baby Elephant you have to stop. You trunk too tough. Your swag too different. Your bitch is too bad. they’ll kill you

[Pınar @CinnamonChuck]

Onu çizmek zorundaydım

[Raven @raven_brah]

3x5 squats, add 100lbs every session. 40 gallons of milk a day.

[EpicTrey @twinkSlayer16]

acab includes *sniffle* acab also includes little h-horsie