Jason Klodt

Professor, Hispanist, Buddhist, Cinephile, Friend to Cats, You're Saying My Name Wrong

[Jason Klodt @klodt]

Just imagine the mind-blowing symmetry of the shelves in Wes Anderson’s pantry.

[Jason Klodt @klodt]

I just purchased my ninth umbrella that offers a lifetime guarantee.

[Jason Klodt @klodt]

The Super Halloween Decoration Houses—skeletons hanging from trees, long stringy cobwebs, jack-o-lanterns galore—do not make me think “spooky” or “scary” or “Halloween spirit.”

They make me think, “You need to clean all that shit off your lawn.”

[Jason Klodt @klodt]

22.86 Centimeter Nails

The aesthetics of Trent Reznor’s tee shirt logos would have been much different had America embraced the metric system.

[Jason Klodt @klodt]

The Judy Gemstone Conundrum:

When the joke has played itself out and you are no longer emotionally invested in the series, but you slog through episode-after-episode just for that one character that steals every scene and for your little suspension-of-disbelief crush.

[Jason Klodt @klodt]

“Give a person a fish and they eat for a day.”

Sure, but what kind of troglodyte only eats fish for a day? What about fruits and veggies? Grains? Dairy?

We don’t need to teach people how to fish. We need to teach them about the food pyramid.

[Jason Klodt @klodt]

How did I make my millions, you ask?

Selling those huge sheets of plastic hanging in abandoned warehouses in the movies.

[Jason Klodt @klodt]

I hope presenters and winners alike take inspiration from last year’s ceremony so that this year’s Oscars devolve into an utter Three Stooges slap-fest.

#wiseguy
#nyuk-nyuk-nyuk

[Jason Klodt @klodt]

So apparently now we can just bring dogs into any store we want, right?

Any coffee shop. Any restaurant. Any haberdashery. Any apothecary. Any opium den.

[Jason Klodt @klodt]

This $1 billion/three-year "He Gets Us" advertising campaign to promote Jesus is definitely money well-spent on Super Bowl commercials and webpage banner ads rather than wasting that $1 billion on feeding the hungry, housing the homeless, or comforting society's outcasts.

[Jason Klodt @klodt]

The full moon tonight is so majestic and beautiful and…

Oh, wait. Wait.

It’s just a Chinese spy balloon.

[Jason Klodt @klodt]

If I didn’t occasionally fly on airplanes, I would never believe that people actually drink ginger ale.

[Jason Klodt @klodt]

If I were on Arrakis, I wouldn’t be all pretentious by wearing my Stillsuit “in desert fashion.”

I’d wear my Stillsuit in NYC runway fashion, with a kicky beret, catty sunglasses, and accentuated with an argyle ascot.

Really making that Stillsuit work with my personal look.

[Jason Klodt @klodt]

I haven’t seen so much rejection since I was dating in high school.

#kevinmccarthy

[Jason Klodt @klodt]

“So sit back, relax, and enjoy the flight.”

Some day I will shock the world by doing just one of these activities on an airplane.

[Balut @Balut]

The best part of being a university professor is talking with the janitor.

[Jason Klodt @klodt]

I want to be escorted by an adolescent whenever I enter a room, a shop, a restaurant, a stadium.

Why should footballers be the only ones?

[Jason Klodt @klodt]

And just like that, Elon Musk becomes the second most-hated human on the planet.

[Jason Klodt @klodt]

Wait a minute.

So Donald Trump is a malignant narcissist that craves attention to fill the yawning chasm caused by his father’s rejection and desperately needs external validation to buttress his fragile ego, so he’s running for president again?

Wow. Never saw that one coming.

[Jason Klodt @klodt]

If I needed mittens, the deals would be *cold*.
If the deals were *hot*, I would need oven-mitts.

Way to mix your metaphors, Amazon. @ Oxford, Mississippi https://t.co/AJPIwpaUww