why?

Sorry ladies, I'm not taken.
My tweets are dumb because I am a dork.

[why? @knot_eye]

[Marvel Comics R&D 1963]

"I'm just saying 'Iron Man' sounds much more masculine, Jim. But keep working on your 'Fe-Male' character."

[why? @knot_eye]

@ErinBode Ghost buster? Halloweenie?

[why? @knot_eye]

135lb dip

Posting just for the heck of it

I don't even remember how to use this website anymore 🤷🏼‍♂️

[Molly🍉 @HappyHijabbi]

I really want to live off the grid but I also really like getting my packages in two days.

[Jorge Masvidal @GamebredFighter]

I co sign on this and put 10k on my boy #supernecessary

[Nathan Diaz @NateDiaz209]

This is the time in the fight
where him and I realized he didn’t wanna be in this fight anymore.

[why? @knot_eye]

cheetah: Cheetos bags

lion: MGM DVDs

tiger: Frosted Flakes boxes

- types of cat litter

[Sock Hollidre @sock_holliday]

Her: Wow you look great, what's your secret?

Me: Thanks, I've been inter-mitten fasting

Her: I think you mean intermittent fasting

Me: *bowl of soup slips out of my hands* what's that now?

[That Pesky Prostitüt™ @LittleMissAngr1]

I've been asking everyone I know how many more days there are until Christmas and punching anybody who knows the answer.

[𝓶♡ @Love_bug1016]

*stares at your date whilst eating hot dogs with chopsticks*

[Meg the Magnificent 🏳️‍🌈 @meghaffer]

It's ok to leave me on read. I don't mind at all.
*Resumes sharpening knife*

[Mom On The Rocks @mom_ontherocks]

Me: Your snoring is making me rethink this marriage

Husband: Your teeth grinding almost stopped me from showing up to our wedding

[cathryn 💚🇨🇦 @AngryRaccoon2]

FYI "Vegetable Medley" does not entail as much fun or joy as it sounds like it does.

[cathryn 💚🇨🇦 @AngryRaccoon2]

Sorry I was late it is actually illegal to get out of the car before George Harrison stops singing.

[Meg the Magnificent 🏳️‍🌈 @meghaffer]

Don't tell me I'm not an optimist. I just weed whacked my lady bits on the off chance that someone will see them in the near future.

[Son of Dad @ThugRaccoons]

God: And the 11th commandment is....

Noah: *chiseling*

God: ...Thou shalt not write on stone tablets

Noah: Wait, what?

God: Oh my Me! You’re such a dork. Gotcha!

[why? @knot_eye]

cheetah: Cheetos bags

lion: MGM DVDs

tiger: Frosted Flakes boxes

- types of cat litter