BonesAppleMeat

I did rock in high school football. Ya wanna check tape?

[𝑴𝒐 𝑴𝒐𝒉𝒍𝒆𝒓 @MoMohler]

The Crunchwrap supreme, is that farm to table? Excellent. Excellent. And the Baja Blast, is that locally sourced? Beautiful, great. We’ll have both for the table.

[َ @ungodlywests]

lay low for a while

[Theo Dorsey @TheoDorseyTV]

Nobody takes the Titans serious. He dressed for bottomless mimosas

[Granite Man 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿 @GraniteDhuine]

I love using the phrase "vice versa". Fuck you. I'm not saying all that again in reverse.

Big shoutout to etcetera too. What am I, the listing things fairy? Use your imagination.

[aj @_alexjack]

I’ve seen my fair share of “your upstairs neighbor at 5am” memes/tweets, but no one is *actually* doing it like my new neighbor Joe upstairs

[Kandis @botkandis]

This the type of shit I be on.

[Kirby Carlisle @2010brianwilson]

I for one am glad that you took your bike onto the subway. There’s no other way for you to get around with it.

[scarf @scarfburner]

the best burger is a burger your dad made you as a kid in the summer during the bush administration

[Dexter the Angel @dexforbreakfast]

Who’s coming with to chain ourselves to the kips bay amc

[Noah Darling @noahdarling_]

My waiter at Chili’s: “You guys got any big plans tonight or is it just Chili’s”

Me, 27 and a father of an 8 month old who can’t imagine anything bigger than being at Chili’s at 8 pm on a Wednesday: “Just Chili’s”

[o-n🌛🍓 @thefloorsonfire]

scooby doo after he finishes praying:

[Black Barbershop Peggy @tkm10601]

Deadass bro never get anything from a bodega thats not normal bodega shit. I got an acai bowl from a bodega and this shit burnin my mouth and theres Reese's pieces in here

[erin chack @ErinChack]

Met a dog at a cafe and the owner told me the dog was deaf and blind. “Old Helen Yeller,” I said. She didn't like that.

[erin chack @ErinChack]

Ginger ale tastes best on a plane because it is a beverage of the gods and when you fly you are closer to them, radiating in their light

[Chris Pisarski @chrispisarski]

I still think about this tweet

[Rob Gucci @heatdaddy69420]

Tiger Woods being able to just casually walk away and call the president after doing a kickflip with his Range Rover is insane when you compare it to a calm and fully cooperating Tony Romo who had a cop that wouldn’t even let him call his lawyer. That cop was such a bitch, respectfully. I guess it just goes to show how much swag Tiger has.

[Stephen Stone - PhD Tricknologist @Stephen19718352]

Imagine like 1880 and your brain is so pure that a guy playing the fiddle around a campfire juices your dopamine so hard you literally get up and start dancing.

[vincenzo @alargemike]

This loan sales guy found my highschool football tape on Youtube and thought talking shit would get me to refinance my house.

Honestly respect.

[Adam Rankin @rankintweets]

Every 3 years a new water bottle brand completely oneshots middle class white women like clockwork

[Ben Crew @BenjaminCrew1]

"I have to steal the Declaration of Independence because there's a treasure map on the back" is objectively the best plot ever for a movie. We're not going to be able to top that.