Keith Caswell

minor chords & major arcana

[Keith Caswell @kthcswll]

😂😆😄🙂😐😕😟😖😭

[Keith Caswell @kthcswll]

MLB to angel hernandez

[Just Baseball @JustBB_Media]

Our national nightmare is over!

Angel Hernández will announce his retirement Tuesday after reaching a financial settlement with Major League Baseball, per @BNightengale.

[Keith Caswell @kthcswll]

when a democrat gets elected, conservatives have to be governed by someone they dislike or disagree with.

when a republican gets elected, progressives have to be governed by someone who might restrict their rights or outright kill them — either by policy or by force.

[Keith Caswell @kthcswll]

how did my brain effortlessly manufacture that out of nothing, and somehow it’s exactly how i’d expect brad pitt to respond in real life

[Keith Caswell @kthcswll]

i woke up from a dream this morning that, for whatever reason, brad pitt was in, and he was holding a door open for me and i said, “see ya later” and without looking or hesitating, he just goes “got a face for it”

[Keith Caswell @kthcswll]

@THEDeeJenks ha! is this in SF? for some reason that tree glyph looks really familiar.

[Keith Caswell @kthcswll]

you've heard of the kids in the hall, now get ready for

[Keith Caswell @kthcswll]

the government's social security website literally has service hours for when you are and are not allowed to sign into it.

[Keith Caswell @kthcswll]

just realized the “millennium baby” is 23 tonight and my night is ruined

[Keith Caswell @kthcswll]

my friend's four-year-old, turning off all the lights in our house: "let's have a tired party!"
me, a thirty-five-year-old man: "buddy, my entire life is a tired party"

[Keith Caswell @kthcswll]

“Conservatism consists of exactly one proposition, to wit: There must be in-groups whom the law protects but does not bind, alongside out-groups whom the law binds but does not protect.” —Frank Wilhoit

[@[email protected] @inrgbwetrust]

Can’t stop thinking about how many modest homes and nutritious meals could be had for $44,000,000,000

[David Roth @david_j_roth]

Even before this Elon was a competitor for one of the all-time wackest posters on this site. A sweaty reply-guy for the worst accounts on here, a joke-thief and a bore, and a relentless, charmless ROFL emoji donkey in every facet. At this point he's clearly the worst poster ever.

[Keith Caswell @kthcswll]

back in 2013 everyone lost their shit when dictionaries updated the definition of "literally" but no one seems to have batted an eye at the fact that, somewhere along the way, "regime" and "regimen" have been permitted to mean the same thing when they definitely do not.

[Keith Caswell @kthcswll]

us: “hey, parents, you want a white claw for the road???”
young dad dressed as phantom of the opera: “hell yeah i do i’m from the streets”

[Keith Caswell @kthcswll]

giving out hard seltzer to the parents on halloween is the best because we get so much more joy out of their reactions than we do from the kids’ reactions to candy

[Keith Caswell @kthcswll]

it's difficult to think of a more improbable sentence than "the seattle mariners are running a train on justin verlander in game 1 of the ALDS in houston" and yet here we are

[Keith Caswell @kthcswll]

not me trying to take a pretty autumn jog only to find that it’s 77 degrees as soon as i step outside

[Keith Caswell @kthcswll]

82% of people who are retirement age think that everyone who's not them should be working very very hard.

[Keith Caswell @kthcswll]

@mshannabrooks @colinokeefe it’s true, @Take5Market is perfect and i hope it never goes away