Our national nightmare is over!
Angel Hernández will announce his retirement Tuesday after reaching a financial settlement with Major League Baseball, per @BNightengale.
when a democrat gets elected, conservatives have to be governed by someone they dislike or disagree with.
when a republican gets elected, progressives have to be governed by someone who might restrict their rights or outright kill them — either by policy or by force.
i woke up from a dream this morning that, for whatever reason, brad pitt was in, and he was holding a door open for me and i said, “see ya later” and without looking or hesitating, he just goes “got a face for it”
my friend's four-year-old, turning off all the lights in our house: "let's have a tired party!"
me, a thirty-five-year-old man: "buddy, my entire life is a tired party"
“Conservatism consists of exactly one proposition, to wit: There must be in-groups whom the law protects but does not bind, alongside out-groups whom the law binds but does not protect.” —Frank Wilhoit
Even before this Elon was a competitor for one of the all-time wackest posters on this site. A sweaty reply-guy for the worst accounts on here, a joke-thief and a bore, and a relentless, charmless ROFL emoji donkey in every facet. At this point he's clearly the worst poster ever.
back in 2013 everyone lost their shit when dictionaries updated the definition of "literally" but no one seems to have batted an eye at the fact that, somewhere along the way, "regime" and "regimen" have been permitted to mean the same thing when they definitely do not.
giving out hard seltzer to the parents on halloween is the best because we get so much more joy out of their reactions than we do from the kids’ reactions to candy
it's difficult to think of a more improbable sentence than "the seattle mariners are running a train on justin verlander in game 1 of the ALDS in houston" and yet here we are