Fake Ashton Carter

Not the Secretary of All Defense, but always the smartest man in the room.

[Fake Ashton Carter @lameducksecdef]

Today, I didn't know that EUCOM wasn't in Brussels and yet even I never looked so good, right Eric? #Trump

[Fake Ashton Carter @lameducksecdef]

They say there is no whining in war zones, which is why Peter, Eric and I had to get the hell out of Iraq ASAP

[Fake Ashton Carter @lameducksecdef]

Trip so far. Went to Goa to build US-India mil relations; Indians bought French aircraft instead.

[Fake Ashton Carter @lameducksecdef]

America, you should read Max Fisher's piece abt me: Lots of words to talk abt natsec in abstract, not real world, terms. That's journalism!

[Fake Ashton Carter @lameducksecdef]

@NoahShachtman @FakePeterCook Peter, get Max Fisher's copy editor a muffin basket -- poor bastard was forced to read a loong piece abt me.

[Fake Ashton Carter @lameducksecdef]

I'm the first SECDEF to visit Goa, India, a tourist hotspot. As soon as I figure out how this visit pertains to natsec, I will let u know.

[Fake Ashton Carter @lameducksecdef]

I just referred to how "I and the president" picked Votel for CENTCOM. In my head, POTUS answers to me -- not the other way around.

[Fake Ashton Carter @lameducksecdef]

You know how I find work-life balance, West Pt cadet....I pretend my wife is a quasi-mil spouse so she can travel w/me on govt money

[Fake Ashton Carter @lameducksecdef]

A real Ash quote: Nation is 100% behind you, but "I am 1000 percent behind you." Lord.

[Fake Ashton Carter @lameducksecdef]

Is NATO relevant? I can't answer such questions, HASC members. That is too political for a suck up like me. You like that, Trump?

[Fake Ashton Carter @lameducksecdef]

How many times must I nod my head and look forlorn for me to look like i sincerely care what you mortals have to say?

[Fake Ashton Carter @lameducksecdef]

Any claim @PentagonPresSec made Thrus that we're transparent abt ISIS strikes is false. He did accurately capture our ignorance on the war.

[Fake Ashton Carter @lameducksecdef]

Umm yeah! My hero (did I mention he stood at my wedding?) is embracing force of the future. I ❤️u Bill b/c u ❤️me. https://t.co/dPF1bW4zOu

[Phil Ewing @philewing]

OMG, @lameducksecdef will go into full-on fanboi mode https://t.co/mf4jttuCLg

[Fake Ashton Carter @lameducksecdef]

I'm at Microsoft talking abt how to talk to today's youth. It's kind of like listening to Fat Albert talk abt best dieting practices.

[Fake Ashton Carter @lameducksecdef]

A real Ash quote: "Kids are different than me," aka the worst recruitment effort ever by a SECDEF.

[Fake Ashton Carter @lameducksecdef]

I've been telling everyone that I am certain the next POTUS will ask me to stay on the job --in case you aren't already scared for the USA

[Fake Ashton Carter @lameducksecdef]

P/T: Did I mention I missed a Medal of Honor ceremony for this trip?

[Fake Ashton Carter @lameducksecdef]

Public service is self service, which is why I'm traveling on a govt plane to California, where I hope to line up my post-SECDEF job.

[Fake Ashton Carter @lameducksecdef]

Thanks! I thought my rugged looks really helped POTUS' remarks. You're welcome! https://t.co/A1Jv1nfdTQ

[Fake Ashton Carter @lameducksecdef]

We're 1 hr into this #GOPDebate, and no one has yet to talk abt why he would keep me on as SECDEF?! These candidates are crazy indeed.