Lauren Grace

🪩🥹🌚

[Lauren Grace @laurgrace]

Cheesecake Factory is slept on

[Lauren Grace @laurgrace]

@VORTEXJeff I just found some photos in memories from 2013. It’s wild to see our location on this.

[Lauren Grace @laurgrace]

I don’t think I’ve had enough papa John’s pizza recently :/

[Lauren Grace @laurgrace]

Is there evidence of wild dogs or wolves doing zoomies?

[Lauren Grace @laurgrace]

Sent my husband into petco 25 mins ago for a litter box. Wondering if he’s personally testing them because how long can this take???

[C.J. Wilson @str8edgeracer]

Teaching my daughter about payroll withholding

She did chores all week so I owe her $10

I hand her $7

> this isn't $10

"right, I withheld the rest"

> what does that mean

"I kept $3 of your money"

> but it's my money

"It was your money"

> what are you even doing with it?

"Funding household infrastructure"

> what

"The roof over your head. The hallway you walk through to get to the bathroom. The door locks that keep strangers out"

> you're charging me for the hallway

"I'm charging you for access to the hallway. The hallway itself was a capital expenditure"

> you're my dad. you're supposed to---

"I'm also your government"

> what if I don't want to pay for the hallway

"Then I can't guarantee the hallway"

> it's a hallway. It's already there

"For now"

She asks what else the $3 covers

"Meals, dispute resolution, nightlight maintenance"

> dispute resolution?

"When your brother takes your toys and I make him give them back. That's taxpayer funded"

> that's just parenting

"That's the Department of Justice"

> what about meals. You already feed me

"That's a social program. Not everyone qualifies"

> I'm your daughter

"Which is why you're currently enrolled"

She wants to see where the money goes

I tell her that would require a FOIA request

> what's that

"A form asking me to show you what I do with your money. Processing time is 6 to 8 weeks"

> 6 weeks to see where my $3 went?

"Could be longer. We're understaffed"

> there's two of you

She asks how she gets any of it back

"It's already spent"

> you spent my money already?

"We had a budget shortfall"

> you just took it 20 seconds ago

"And the deficit existed 30 seconds ago. The timing worked out"

> so I'm not getting it back

"I didn't say that. You might qualify for a refund"

> of my own money

"Correct. You just have to fill out a form telling me how much you made"

> you know how much I made. You paid me

"Right but I need you to tell me how much I paid you"

> so you already know the answer

"The point is compliance"

She asks what happens if she gets the number wrong

"Penalty"

> from the money I don't have because you already spent it?

"We could set up a payment plan"

> I'm 8

"Monthly installments. Very manageable"

> you're going to penalize me for getting wrong a number you already know and then make me pay you back with money you took from me

"Now you're getting it"

> I want to talk to mom

"Mom's not a qualified representative. She can't help you here"

She stormed off to her room saying how this is extortion

Slammed the door

That's my little citizen

I've never been more proud

[⌐╦ᡁ─ 𝖕𝖗𝖊𝖞𝖌𝖎𝖗𝖑 ⌖ @angelemissary_]

you want me to use email? like jeffrey epstein?

[Lauren Grace @laurgrace]

To whoever’s on the PR team responsible for setting off the downfall of vital farms eggs…. can you do ICE next?

[Lauren Grace @laurgrace]

I want everyone to know that the hearts im sending on stories right now are really genuine

[Lauren Grace @laurgrace]

I long to be a woman wearing too much artistic jewelry wearing one of my dozens of ponchos

[Lauren Grace @laurgrace]

@peterpme No free feet pics

[Lauren Grace @laurgrace]

Hey @grok, who is the most famous person to view my account, it doesn’t have to be a mutual, and don’t tag them

[Lauren Grace @laurgrace]

“It’s so weird that Bobby Flay is your celebrity crush”

Ok, well you just don’t value a man that knows flavor, can deliver a mediocre food-related dad joke for tv, and loves Calabrian chiles!!

[Lauren Grace @laurgrace]

Just decided I might get into serving caviar at dinner parties

[Lauren Grace @laurgrace]

Sunday surf’n’turf

[Lauren Grace @laurgrace]

I’m so certain I’ll see at least one hoppy Easter / bun in the oven / our little bunny is on the way pregnancy announcement today

[Lauren Grace @laurgrace]

Huge for big dehydration!!!!

[Rueben Hewitt @FitFastCoach]

Your giant water bottle is draining your energy.

You're flushing out the very minerals your mitochondria need to make ATP.

Fatigue, brain fog, and irritability are the price you pay.

5 fixes almost too easy to believe:

[Lauren Grace @laurgrace]

“London is always cold and rainy”

[Lauren Grace @laurgrace]

I need to tweet about the bread in Scandinavia. It’s really good. Seeded rye in Copenhagen is fantastic. Can’t get enough.

[Lauren Grace @laurgrace]

Something I don’t think I realized until recently is that it’s literally so easy to order water on a night out. #hydrate #yourself #babes