Liz Clarey

Christian, baker, tester, mum, cyclist

[Delights in Truth @delightsintruth]

"If it were possible to live without wives, gentlemen, we should all save ourselves that bother. But Nature has ordained that, while life with them is not easy, life without them is quite impossible, and so we must act with a view to our lasting well-being, not to the pleasure of

[Stephen Staley @stevestaley]

Someone on my street puts out light, nonsensical lawn signs. Replaces them every few weeks. I assume he’s mocking lawn sign people and if so, I need to meet him.

[Liz Clarey @lclarey]

@Pingosaurus Having written that I should clarify I meant that she killed it in a negative way

[Liz Clarey @lclarey]

@Pingosaurus She really killed that song

[Queen Bee @KingBobIIV]

I have always hated cats. Never had one, never wanted one, my parents hated them, I assumed this was simply one of those sensible family traditions that would be passed down through the generations.

Then my son wanted a cat.

So we got Winston.

Obviously the child’s enthusiasm for feeding, cleaning up after and generally tending to Winston lasted approximately eleven minutes, and I became staff. Except staff are paid.
Winston therefore decided he liked me. Well, "liked" is doing a lot of heavy lifting. He tolerated my existsnce.I did not like Winston. We had a perfectly satisfactory commercial arrangement: I provided food, he stopped screaming at me like a tiny furry crack addict.

Then my eldest moved out and LEFT HIM HERE.

So now I’m permanently living with an aggressive domestic abuser who wakes me up demanding breakfast, follows me around shouting, insists on affection and then, when affection is provided, attacks me because apparently I have administered it incorrectly.

Then my little girl wanted a kitten.

“It’s a boy,” I was assured.

Excellent. James.

James is not a boy.

By the time we discovered this, James had been James for too long and nobody could think of another name, so she is now officially James Not James, or JNJ for texting purposes.

And somehow, without anyone consulting me, I have become a CAT PERSON.

Tonight Winston and James Not James are both lying on top of me and I’m trapped in a position last seen during the floor routine at the 1984 Olympics. I need a wee (possibly a fart (Im not taking any chances at mt age without a Tenna Lady)). My leg has gone dead. I think I’ve lost circulation to one arm. I cannot move because apparently disturbing either of them would constitute a war crime.

And, annoyingly, I love the little bastards.

WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN?

Bob is my dog. Bob and I are soulmates. Bob has principles.
Bob "claims" he hates cats.

Except I’ve caught Bob asleep in bed with them, so Bob is apparently a collaborator. A double agent. I have been betrayed.

I am now outnumbered by three furry freeloaders, none of whom contribute financially, all of whom occupy my furniture, two of whom shit in boxes inside my house, and one of whom openly assaults me.

There must be an Ombudsman for this.

The Feline Complaints Commission?

Cats Ofcom? Catchment?

A tribunal?

I’d like to speak to whoever is in charge because this is absolutely not what I signed up for.

Exhibit A

[Don Winslow @donwinslow]

Paul Simon pays tribute to 9/11 by performing "The Sound Of Silence".

A native New Yorker, you can see the deep emotion in Paul's face as he sings.

Heartbreaking.

[Kara Richey @Kara_Richey]

If you make this the last thing you listen to tonight before you go to bed I promise you won’t regret it

[Tim Hogan 浩勤 @TimInHonolulu]

1/ I was starting my senior in high school when Neil Young released this, already aware that my low lottery number meant I'd be drafted the following year and unable to go to the university.

[Sesame Street @sesamestreet]

Sesame Workshop mourns the passing of Dolly Parton, whose music and kindness inspired Polly Darton, a character featured on Sesame Street throughout the 1980s and 1990s. Dolly Parton was not only a musician, but a philanthropist dedicated to children's literacy. Sesame Workshop is forever grateful for her dedication to children's literacy and education. 💛💚

[Just Rock Content @JustRockContent]

One of the all-time great Rock Hall moments: Dolly’s “Jolene” with Rob Halford (Judas Priest), Pat Benatar, Annie Lennox, Simon Le Bon (Duran Duran), Pink, and Sheryl Crow. Zac Brown Band held it down as the house band.

Rest easy, Dolly 🤘

[muppet music of the week @muppetmusic03]

Today we remember the kind soul that brought us many memories and inspired us through her music and career. Today we celebrate the life Miss Dolly Parton and she wasn’t just a famous celebrity she was also an everyday person like you and me. #TheMuppets

[Liz Clarey @lclarey]

@Pingosaurus The British school system makes kids choose way to early between arts and science.

[Liz Clarey @lclarey]

@JennMGreenberg What a wonderful church

[Moose Allain Ꙭ @MooseAllain]

If you enjoyed this eclipse, you should pop the date of the next one in your colander.

[Liz Clarey @lclarey]

@Pingosaurus @Loopin24 A square colander works better than a round one

[Liz Clarey @lclarey]

@Pingosaurus If you post about food, crochet and your cat we can ignore the fact that you also post about cricket

[BBC Breakfast @BBCBreakfast]

'Spare a thought for Larry the Cat'

Jon Kay is in Downing Street as Andy Burnham replaces Keir Starmer as Prime Minister, but the seventh PM for one permanent resident of Number 10

https://t.co/v5B0gq7j5a

[Liz Clarey @lclarey]

@thevicarswife It does work

[Larry the Cat @Number10cat]

Welcome to the most important job you'll ever have @andyburnham
Cartoon brilliance by @BJennings90 for @guardian