ALDUS

EMERSON ‘22

[ALDUS @ldus_]

Girl I ended things with because I visited her studio apartment and found out she punches holes in her walls: Aldus, you really hurt me

Me: Yeah? Tell your walls that

[ALDUS @ldus_]

My sister told us she has an ovarian cyst and for the past week my family has been calling her our cyster LOL

[ALDUS @ldus_]

@nickdqq Just saw this xoxo 😘

[Max Charbonneau @corndudemax]

Got called a faggot in Target today. My mom hugged me and made me tea but I still haven’t accepted her apology.

[ALDUS @ldus_]

@Jomamaaaaaa Word 2 Brad Pitt

[ALDUS @ldus_]

Importing and adopting an asian child is a symbol of white excellence

[ALDUS @ldus_]

Tried to voice to text hit movie
“Me and Earl and the Dying Girl”
using my Samsung television remote but what instead appeared on the search bar was
“Me oral and the dying girl”
and suddenly my family movie night privileges have been rescinded.

[ALDUS @ldus_]

@aKidNamedRoland I want the smoke

[ALDUS @ldus_]

Just got told making beastiality jokes is problematic, who am I offending? The sexy dogs??

[ALDUS @ldus_]

@adam_solorio @BleacherReport @brgridiron dam haha must suck to be that guy fr fr 🚫🧢

[ALDUS @ldus_]

@_yungdan Quarantine has completely derailed this man

[ALDUS @ldus_]

“Don’t knock it til ya try it!”

- My buddy Adam Solorio as he eats his 3rd spoonful of powdered creatine out of a gallon Ziploc bag

[ALDUS @ldus_]

YouWannaComeOutHere?

[ALDUS @ldus_]

@SashaWaintraub This is great. Thank you for reaching out.

[ALDUS @ldus_]

@CifraKallie I’m getting mixed signals from you and the topic of the stock market

[ALDUS @ldus_]

I gotta stop buying air fresheners based on titular smells bruh I bought a bulk package of “Blue Oddyssey” Glade refills and now I’m $12.54 down and have to deal with my single suite dorm room smelling like an escape room for the next 6 months

[ALDUS @ldus_]

Couldn’t put my finger on it but I’ve finally come to the conclusion that the whole state of Massachusetts just feels like one ginormous Pier 1 Imports store

[ALDUS @ldus_]

@_yungdan TÍO!!!

[ALDUS @ldus_]

❤️HEART OF THE CITY❤️

[ALDUS @ldus_]

@aKiDnamedRoland yo I still might on some social guidelines shit when I come back in November I'll keep you posted!

[ALDUS @ldus_]

The only joke that has consistently hit in my amateur career as a standup comedian is when I refer to my own nut as “Aldus sauce” and the people have been loving it