Leland long

NYC based comedian who wishes to be buried at sea. Please consider my twitter bio to be my official will and testament.

[Leland long @lelandcomedy1]

They always say, "Arizona is hot but it's a dry heat." Same with New York, it's cool but it's an, "emotional cold."

[Leland long @lelandcomedy1]

I always refold the toilet paper into a swan when I leave my hotel room so I can tell if the staff did a sneaky poop while I was gone. #hotelhacks

[Leland long @lelandcomedy1]

normalize wearing sweatpants to church.

[Leland long @lelandcomedy1]

Sometimes I have to audibly say to myself, "I am done pooping"

[Leland long @lelandcomedy1]

Not being into choke sex and having to do the choking is like robbing a bank not because you want to but because the bank thinks its kinky.

[Leland long @lelandcomedy1]

You never see a white Penny Farthing bicycle memorial on the side of the road.

[Leland long @lelandcomedy1]

I wonder if the rockem sockem robots ever had to cut weight before a match.

[Leland long @lelandcomedy1]

Leaves are natures confeti

[Leland long @lelandcomedy1]

A toe mood ring always reads chill as hell.

[Leland long @lelandcomedy1]

Vampires were the first pyramid scheme.

[Leland long @lelandcomedy1]

Tunnels are just bridges for mountains.

[theidiotscatalogpod @Idiots_Catalog]

Check out episode 1 of The Idiots Catalog featuring @waytoozesty

In this episode we discuss car alarms, meat fans, and much more!

Spotify: https://t.co/ifdXhoGjgx

Apple: https://t.co/cIL57zcacG

[Leland long @lelandcomedy1]

@ReallySamEvans @ZachBroussard 1. Cheddar cheese, Pizza sauce cold in a bowl.

2. Popcorn ball held together with cheese whizz cheese.

3. Took a gold fish and split it a the seam, then chewed up another goldfish and put it in between the two original goldfish halves making a sandwich.

[Leland long @lelandcomedy1]

Whenever people buy a house they always show a picture of the keys, which is like buying a pizza to show off a couple pepperonis.

[Leland long @lelandcomedy1]

A phone camera light being left on is l a lighthouse for avoiding dumb people.

[Leland long @lelandcomedy1]

Correction! Home DEPOT is actually where the heart is.

[Leland long @lelandcomedy1]

Does anyone else ever have to help a fart out by pulling their butt cheeks apart? No? Hmm.

[Leland long @lelandcomedy1]

Cookies have way too much salt in them.

[Leland long @lelandcomedy1]

I just want to be rich enough to where I need a ladder for my bookshelf.

[Leland long @lelandcomedy1]

Every time I spell out sweat or sweet I have to make a mental note that im not accidentally spelling it wrong. They mean much different things when referring to candy.

[Leland long @lelandcomedy1]

Me: Isn't it weird that our bodies break down proteins in meat to build muscle? Its like we are using animals to build a stronger body.

Buff Vegan: Actually my muscles are made of almonds thank you very much!