Cedric Dickery

I wake up and choose violence 364 days/year. I have one joke, it never lands. TikTok made me gay. 🏳️‍🌈

[Cedric Dickery @lezgetkraken]

The shiny side of the aluminum foil goes away from the food.

[Cedric Dickery @lezgetkraken]

I don’t know what’s worse: pregnancy dreams or melatonin dreams.

[Cedric Dickery @lezgetkraken]

Imagine thinking scientists spend all those years in school just to “trick” you, an uneducated person on Facebook.

[Cedric Dickery @lezgetkraken]

Made the decision to get in the tub 30 weeks pregnant. Will I be able to get out?

[Cedric Dickery @lezgetkraken]

If you can’t figure out how to talk below a yelling volume, shut up forever.

[Cedric Dickery @lezgetkraken]

Yesterday I got a sunburn line on my thighs, not from my bathing suit, but from where my pregnant belly was shadowing my thighs. So… here’s 26 weeks.

[Cedric Dickery @lezgetkraken]

The guys next to me at breakfast are SNORTING, yelling “stick a finger in my ass,” and now talking on their phones on speakerphone. Cool it fuckbois, no one cares how much coke you blew out of your buddy’s ass last night.

[Cedric Dickery @lezgetkraken]

I have extreme anxiety about labor and birth. I mentioned this to my OBGYN who suggested a doula. Ma’am, when was the last time you looked at the price of hiring a doula?! Healthcare is so fucking inaccessible, even with insurance.

[Cedric Dickery @lezgetkraken]

Well someone just told me I look “like I’m about to deliver” and I’m 25 weeks pregnant. You all know it’s ok to just keep your mouths shut right?

[Cedric Dickery @lezgetkraken]

@cptramenqueen I asked someone in the break room to smell it, they said it was fine.

[Cedric Dickery @lezgetkraken]

My protein drink smells weird…is it actually weird or is it just that everything smells weird? Should I smell it again to check or call my mom and ask her?

[Cedric Dickery @lezgetkraken]

@cptramenqueen Do they not understand they’ve literally ruined the world, so we’re just trying to *gasp* enjoy something?! Save for what?! There won’t be anything left!

[Cedric Dickery @lezgetkraken]

Yesterday I cried at a dog adoption event because ‘do you think all the dogs just look at everyone and think…are you going to take me home?’ And that was too much.

[Cedric Dickery @lezgetkraken]

Trying to put compression socks on at the beginning of my shift makes me want to clock out and go home.

[Cedric Dickery @lezgetkraken]

With the prevalence and availability of GPS WHY THE FUCK ARE FUNERAL PROCESSIONS GOING THROUGH RED LIGHTS TO FOLLOW EACH OTHER.

[Cedric Dickery @lezgetkraken]

Got my first replacement brush head from @getquip today. Opened it and it was an empty cardboard tube…only me. @QuipSupport

[Cedric Dickery @lezgetkraken]

People who make eye contact with a person trying to get on the elevator as the door closes and don’t attempt to keep it open…what is wrong with you?

[Cedric Dickery @lezgetkraken]

It’s that time of year therefore, I have compiled a ranking of conversation heart flavors from best to worst. (Brach’s)

1 - 💚
2 - 💜
3 - 🧡
4 - 🩷
5 - 💛
6 - 🤍

[Cedric Dickery @lezgetkraken]

I am feeling better after having eaten my moderately warm cheese sandwich…and therapy

[Cedric Dickery @lezgetkraken]

This grilled cheese isn’t even trying to be melted.

[Cedric Dickery @lezgetkraken]

Pay your employees more so they can grill the cheese.