Libby Mattei

still falling down a flight of stairs near you

[Libby Mattei @libdidnt]

Panic! at the Disco put out a discography and it's NOT called Panic! at the Discography so what's the point

[Qsama bin Johnston @QsamaBJohnston]

A diarrhea outbreak in Ohio? I guess you could call it the “Cleveland Browns”

[Mike Beauvais @MikeBeauvais]

Nick Cannon after visiting one of his kids:

[respectful huff @alexqarbuckle]

young trainee bartender at the airport said “sorry your beer doesn’t have any foam on it, does that make you sad?” and I instinctively blurted out “my foam !”

[S★ @xxyllinn]

I don't want to "join the community" of a brand that sells socks. I just want the socks. Stop emailing me about your "mission statement." Your mission is to sell socks. We both know this.

[dolo @doloyeung]

My father never accepted Yoshi's addition to the Mario series only ever referring to him as "The Serpent". "The Serpent is at best a tool not a character", he'd say. One Christmas I asked for Yoshi's Story and instead received a bible. "The Serpent's story is in there", he said

[Daniel Ahmad @ZhugeEX]

This is what they want to take from you

[roxy demento @falseroxy]

what?

[ѕєиɪ @zalatwicc]

i said it's my favorite movie i didn't say it was good

[Habeas Corpus Linguistics @HabCorpLinguist]

Someone should invent a version of Outlook that can search for emails and find them.

[Allie @searobbing]

[nodding sadly] they fell in love with the fish

[Daniella @DaniellaMazzio]

We're so close to inventing TV

[ゆらぴこ🌼🐤 @yura_burstgirl]

Today i learned new American phrase...🗽✨🇺🇸

Type shit！

[turbomander @turbomander]

Disney announces live action remake of my parents divorce

[chase @_chase_____]

my sisters and i got coldstone on thanksgiving and as we were leaving my sister goes “happy thanksgiving!” & the worker looked super confused & was like “what did you say??” & my sister was like “happy thanksgiving?” & they were like “oh i thought you said ‘everything scooby’”

[Nickeee @Nick__Nation]

Hey sorry I missed your text I was trying to change the prophecy

[the thicc husband & father @lukeisamazing]

filling it up with butter cookies to throw grandma off

[小茹子 @kurumadraws]

shoutout to this incest greeting card i saw at the dollar store