Laura Maloney

Say cheese.

[Laura Maloney @LostCauseLaura]

I scratch your back and you massage my feet.

[Laura Maloney @LostCauseLaura]

Skid a mile in my shoes.

[Laura Maloney @LostCauseLaura]

You know what's awesome? Not much.

[Laura Maloney @LostCauseLaura]

Is anybody really ever away from Twitter?

[Laura Maloney @LostCauseLaura]

Ask your doctor if flu vaccine is left for you.

[Laura Maloney @LostCauseLaura]

[me talking to kids]

So what do you wanna be when you give up?

[Laura Maloney @LostCauseLaura]

I just learned about the word "postjudiced". Seeing how I always know best, it feels like I got my hands on kryptonite.

[Laura Maloney @LostCauseLaura]

If you're right all the time it must be comforting to know there's always someone left out there to prove wrong.

[Laura Maloney @LostCauseLaura]

Back off or I'm gonna hurt you right in the feelings.

[AmberTozer @AmberTozer]

When you're about to tell them that last night was fun but you don't want a relationship right now

[Laura Maloney @LostCauseLaura]

When you were positive you used a semicolon correctly but someone puts you in place.

[Laura Maloney @LostCauseLaura]

When you were positive you used a semicolon correctly but someone puts you in place.

[Laura Maloney @LostCauseLaura]

I just dropped my phone and it tried to call my mom. To tell on me I can only assume.

[Laura Maloney @LostCauseLaura]

"Italian food" means "saturated fats served on a kingsize bed of stupid carbs" in italian. In english it means "stuff my face full of that".

[Laura Maloney @LostCauseLaura]

Smart-ass points awarded to co-worker Ben for pointing out that I described him with the adjective "undescribable".

[Laura Maloney @LostCauseLaura]

Alien enthusiasts never tell you what's in the first 50 areas. Trust no one.

[Laura Maloney @LostCauseLaura]

"You are the light of my life" I say opening my fridge.

[Laura Maloney @LostCauseLaura]

Just expressing what the world's most wool-yielding sheep reminds me of. I'm out of kush btw.

[Laura Maloney @LostCauseLaura]

BAD COP: And then you pulled the trigger? Brains all over the sidewalk, HUH?! ANSWER GODDAMMIT!
GOOD COP: Uhm... Name the Great Lakes.

[Laura Maloney @LostCauseLaura]

Is there a way of not losing all respect for people who question why you know who directed the movie they're talking about?