m

i havent had a carb since 2004

[marvin @marvinqualcosa]

Io non abbandonerò mai questo social.

[fabian🫆 @slumsocrates]

they’re doing this to me at work tomorrow btw

[hImU @Himu_Art]

Imagine being able to say that your mom made Bad Romance

[🪽 @tinyangelette]

accidentally said “oh okay cause i was wondering” to a customer .

[wor$t girl in mendoza @mikucatgirI]

mi abuela q dice q ella "no es ansiosa" hoy tenía turno para un estudio 7:45am me quedé a dormir en su casa para ir cn ella la loca estaba LISTA para irnos a las 4 DE LA MAÑANA la volvimos a mandar a dormir se despertó de vuelta a las 6 gritando NOS QUEDAMOS DORMIDOS!!!!

[johnathon smegma @givemecumcum]

they’re doing open fart surgery on me tomorrow

[Sam @Samhive01]

Top tweets ever I swear

[Jordan @itsjordanapps]

when dorinda said “martinis are like breasts… two are great, three are too many” she meant it

[Hollywood Deals @LocalDingus]

my uncle was forced to twerk at gunpoint in Roku City

[seth @sethh_sm]

when the nurse asks me to prove that my eyes can make a violin sound

[taylor @fourleggedgirl]

tweezed a load bearing eyebrow hair the night before my birthday

[savanna… @girlwhoishigh]

Her in the Kristen Doute biopic

[jár @jarodzsz]

graduated college six years ago today with not much to show for it

[Brooklyn @bklynb4by]

people that make “protein coffee”

[marvièn @mvn_dn]

see how gracefully you age when you eat lumpia? adobo? every single day

[7/11 Truther @DaveMcNamee3000]

The mice doing Cinderella’s hair

[julian casablancas skulling a shot drinking a beer @segagenesis__]

los científicos me chupan la pija y los dos huevos

[internet baby @twerkculate]

can you meet me halfway, right at the borderline is where im gonna wait………for you….