what the h*ck

i do bits then they become my personality

[gonad o'brien @gonad_obrien]

white people be like we had to narcan our shih tzu

[alex @vaudevillehook]

Is rack city walkable

[Mark @AgingRanchHand]

My buddy who's a firefighter: I've been having a really hard time at work lately

Me (picturing him at the end of a hose that's spraying too strongly and he's flying all over the place and can't get down): that's hilarious

[g @_gdaymate]

I was at a doctor’s appointment once and the nurse asked me what I had eaten that day I said “uhh just a coffee and a donut” and she looked at me and said “like a cop?” and she honestly ate me up so bad I will never forget her.

[Cardi's Lawncare Tips and Career Advice @ohcrapohno]

Neighbors wife said make yourself at home so I took some of their dog's tramadol

[carter hambley @carterhambley]

i work in the coma ward pokin em with a tree branch yelling “boner check!” and if i find one i have to pull the plug. but yeah. guess you’ll never see this on The Pitt.

[oatmeal influencer @acechhh]

when you work in a hospital, it’s either 12 hours of cackling with your coworkers or 12 hours even Satan couldn’t dream up

[jörg shidmann @tranz_schubert]

2 vodka crans in and suddenly i’m doing unto others as i would have them do unto me

[🧑🏾‍🦱 @ewgraiam]

they’re saying there’s 30g of protein in spending a night laughing with your friends

[they/them might be giants ☭ @babadookspinoza]

I love to look over at my fellow drivers on the road and see that driving is only like their 5th or 6th priority at the moment.

[𝙋𝙖𝙡𝙖𝙘𝙚 𝘾𝙡𝙪𝙗 @gio__palace]

Me telling my mom a secret:

My mom the next day:

[Jett 🜲 @iky_fwjett]

being easily laughable is soooooooooo fuuuuuuuun. everyone’s like. that wasn’t even funny. i’m like okay whateve. i’m the most joyous one here

[miri @eggoslug]

My problem is that I always want an iced matcha earl grey sea salt latte with almond milk or some bullshit

[lez usbourne @SZSPIRIA]

I feel bad for that monkey but I lowkey have to focus on myself right now

[Sofia Coppium @indianloonie]

Indistinguishable from a lonely island movie

[clare @sadderlizards]

how i look when i’m talking about my interests

[Nola Darling @BRWN_EYEGURL]

drinking isn’t the same anymore I be waking up in critical condition