Mel Cool: Mall Cop®

I am the Sentinel of Stress-Free Shopping.

[Mel Cool: Mall Cop® @mallcop]

Yes, I'm pissed about being mentioned (but not paid) in the new "Thor" trailer. http://is.gd/iwzRa I want some of that sweet Marvel money.

[Mel Cool: Mall Cop® @mallcop]

RIP Mel Simon, builder of the first MegaMall. http://tinyurl.com/kp77z2 (I still carry his picture in my wallet, though.)

[Mel Cool: Mall Cop® @mallcop]

I would like to challenge Paul Blart to a donut-eating contest, though.

[Mel Cool: Mall Cop® @mallcop]

My co-creator sobs that he's not making a dime on the new Mall Cop DVD. Well, BOO HOO. Neither am i! http://bit.ly/2Aauwj

[Mel Cool: Mall Cop® @mallcop]

Good. Thought I might have to arrest unfollowers. RT @WaltJaschek Twitter purging spammers 2nite; massive unfollowing. #unfollow

[Mel Cool: Mall Cop® @mallcop]

When I hear the phrase "most endangered malls," I spring into action. http://bit.ly/BSSl9

[Mel Cool: Mall Cop® @mallcop]

Saw the "Mall Cop" DVD on display at check-out at Office Depot. Office Depot! Must everyone just torture me?

[Mel Cool: Mall Cop® @mallcop]

RT @waltjaschek Mustache back for summer '09. (This is the guy who says he "co-created" me. Nonsense.)

[Mel Cool: Mall Cop® @mallcop]

No malls are hiring. What's a mall cop to do? Got it -- I'll be a consultant! A consultant to mall cops. Off to print some invoices!

[Mel Cool: Mall Cop® @mallcop]

Wha th...? Mall Creep nabbed MallCop.com from me! But relax: I'm still at http://mall-cop.blogspot.com/ . And still holding donut.

[Mel Cool: Mall Cop® @mallcop]

And still on Facebook, of course, @ http://bit.ly/q8S5Q

[Mel Cool: Mall Cop® @mallcop]

I want MallCop to be a Trending Topic. So I've started wearing this shirt: http://tinyurl.com/kjwsa9 I can feel it working.

[Mel Cool: Mall Cop® @mallcop]

I only have 37 fans on Facebook: http://www.mallcop.com Why, I used to arrest more people than that every day in just the Food Court.

[Mel Cool: Mall Cop® @mallcop]

What's an unemployed mall cop to do? Apply for a job at Wal-Mart of course. I can see the movie now: Wal-Mart Cop. http://www.mallcop.com

[Mel Cool: Mall Cop® @mallcop]

Happy Mother's Day to the best mom a Mall Cop could have (because she's a working Mall Cop herself -- Mall Cop Mom! Now THERE'S a movie.)

[Mel Cool: Mall Cop® @mallcop]

One good thing about the mall being closed for good: nobody is spreading the swine flu in there. [[achoo!]] Uh-oh.

[Mel Cool: Mall Cop® @mallcop]

Went back to the mall to try to get rehired. It was closed! For good! Not only I am jobless, I missed all the going-out-of-business sales!

[Mel Cool: Mall Cop® @mallcop]

I'm disgusted with myself. I'm going to stop hiding out in this closet at Hooters and start hiding out in a closet at Applebees.

[Mel Cool: Mall Cop® @mallcop]

Since being fired from the mall, I've been hiding in a closet at Hooters, sneaking out at night for leftover cheese fries. This can't go on.

[Mel Cool: Mall Cop® @mallcop]

Oh, no! I was just fired from Massive Mall. Fired! Reason: "no human being has set foot in here in months." What kind of reason is that???