Matt

[B.W. Carlin @BaileyCarlin]

“Ice and Spice, just how I like my margaritas! Ha, I’m Jason”

[Adrenalin @adrenalindenver]

[Milwaukee]
ME (crossing the street): I'm Milwaukin' here!

[Matt @marq_kett]

This app’s peak funny was the day Queen Elizabeth died. It’s been downhill ever since

[Matt @marq_kett]

You know the old adage… Coffee before beer, you’re in the clear. Beer before coffee, feeling slothy.

[Matt @marq_kett]

Kinda fucked up they make kids do things by height. Imagine you show up to a job interview and it’s tallest to shortest

[Matt @marq_kett]

Took my 100th uber ride yesterday with no pomp and circumstance. Very down to earth of me

[Matt @marq_kett]

Did you call your friends funny today? Life is short

[˗ˏˋ ryn ˎˊ˗ @onlineryn]

2022 is the year of tomfoolery. the year of jest. the year of being a “silly little guy” at all times. the year of shenanigans. this year is for scallywags. for rapscallions. ne’er-do-wells. little rascals.

[Matt @marq_kett]

Very humbling of our great aunt to bring presents for my parents and Charlie only

[dylan o'brien give me a chance (or $20) @fakedannydevito]

they would've distributed vaccines, boosters, free masks, and free at-home tests to everyone by now

[Matt @marq_kett]

Just cannot imagine putting forth the effort to host a holiday. Food, decorations, cleaning, etc. Simply not in my wheelhouse!

[Matt @marq_kett]

Ordered Uber Eats from the backseat of my Lyft. God bless this free market economy!

[Matt @marq_kett]

Washing machine conveniently “broke” right before I got home with 4 loads of laundry… something sinister is going on in this house

[Matt @marq_kett]

As I hit my exercise goal for the first time in weeks, I have to say the silence of my fellow Apple Watch wearers is deafening

[Randall Otis @RandallOtisTV]

The masculine urge to say “smells good in here!” while helping with absolutely nothing

[Matt @marq_kett]

Imagine if your friends reminded you of all the dumb things you said/did while you were out last night. Not my friends!

[Matt @marq_kett]

The HUJI flash is discriminatory against blondes

[Annie @_annieernst]

Things that should be charged with attempted murder:
- Celsius drinks

[Matt @marq_kett]

She/her/hers is cool but how about including Mrs. or Ms. in your email signature