Matthew Leach

World famous writer/comedian, Twins fan, and vegetarian. Limited space available to be one of my first 1,000,000 followers.

[Dalton Pruitt @daltonleepruitt]

I’ve been seeing a ton of negative comments about Milly Alcock and I’d just like to say that I would like to have sex with her

[Chris Orzechowski @chrisorzy]

I love when restaurants put “market price” next to certain menu items. Like yeah, I’ve been monitoring scallop futures all week.

[Blake ™ @NeilNevins]

Jim Carrey Grinch flipping through a large book titled WHOBILLY ELEGY

[Emo Philips @EmoPhilips]

Ever since I read this ten years ago, I’ve always added, to every request, “without stabbing me afterward”

[Jeremy Kaplowitz @jeremysmiles]

hi going to kill myself im dad

[𝓒𝓸𝓶𝓶𝓪𝓷𝓭𝓮𝓻 🏴‍☠️ @c0mmandderr]

Mf dating a prescription drug

[gianmarco @GianmarcoSoresi]

I was just arrested for trying to make The Office today

[Matthew Leach @matthewcleach]

@TomCruise I thought you and I were going to see this together?!?!

[Matthew Leach @matthewcleach]

@KimKardashian Who are your sisters?

[troy bond jr (grand admiral) @TroyHasEbola]

You ever think about how Darth Maul lost his dick in that battle with Obi wan

[Ash @newashcamp]

English is funny— we “park” in the “driveway” but “jack off” in the “company bathrooms”

[stunner @KooNti10]

Rhythms 👀

[OrangeMaxxing FreddyG @OrangeFreddyG]

You just created 1000 Spencer Pratts

[jordan @JordanUhl]

I’m Jim Collins, a 57-year-old electrician from Fayetteville, North Carolina and Spencer Pratt becoming mayor of Los Angeles is my top issue.

[Lauren :) @laurenforu]

Is it okay for people with plantar fasciitis to engage in casual sex

[The Ginger Swindler @lilydsmith]

coworker asked me if ive been “seeing those hunter biden tweets” baby i can recite them. i pledge allegiance to them.

[👩‍💻 @weirdassfishes]

My parents’ genderfluid dog stays weaponizing his queerness

[Wholesome Side of 𝕏 @itsme_urstruly]

when i was in elementary school i really thought opening TIME CAPSULES would be a much bigger part of my adult life