Matt Usey

Christian, father of daughters, sftwr engr, writer. Last name as in "oh say can..." Insta: matthewusey. Currently closed to rejections (literary or otherwise)

[Matt Usey @mattusey]

Y'all should hurry and buy my latest book before the crooked spine text is fixed. It'll be a valuable collector's item like the Inverted Jenny stamp. Probably. https://t.co/LyetzegJSp

[Matt Usey @mattusey]

I knew I was in for trouble when my TSA scanner image displayed a gray outline of a person with a bright highlight on the crotch

[Matt Usey @mattusey]

@IMAO_ I once had a boss who told me he and his wife did this exact thing, and he was so happy that they got it done "just in time". I told him that was terrible and left the company not long afterwards because I couldn't stand working for the guy after that.

[Matt Usey @mattusey]

Here's your reminder to turn off your fitness tracker app after your walk. Otherwise you might mow the yard and end up with a path like this.

[Matt Usey @mattusey]

Yes, I do say "please" when telling AI to do stuff. Totally unnecessary, right? Your thoughts? I imagine someone is out there writing a PhD thesis on this exact topic right now.

[Matt Usey @mattusey]

@ErikTelford @IMAO_ Plus the company car is pretty sweet

[Matt Usey @mattusey]

@KateCornell Make an extra one for me too

[Matt Usey @mattusey]

This mower was just abandoned in the tall grass of a huge field. Looks like someone started strong and then... what? Sometimes life feels like this.

[Matt Usey @mattusey]

If the characters in your show are going to get frisky in the morning, lay off the heavy kissing. Come on, morning breath! Some of us are eating while we're watching this.

[Matt Usey @mattusey]

@mhp_guy I know that place and was surprised at how bad it was, given the rating. Never went back. But some must love it.

[Matt Usey @mattusey]

@The_Kyle_Mann You should've rewatched Strange Brew before the trip to pick up some of the local vernacular

[Matt Usey @mattusey]

It's very exciting to me when I click to send something to the printer at home and it actually... you know, prints.

[Matt Usey @mattusey]

I'm normally pretty good with math, but this one is beyond my abilities to comprehend

[Matt Usey @mattusey]

@AXECOP That was so bad it looped around to funny but kept going and landed on bad again

[Matt Usey @mattusey]

Hey @mgmplus and @Roku, I don't remember seeing 28debe-whatever, but I do know that I can no longer find the series I was watching.

[Matt Usey @mattusey]

Me: How do I turn on paperless billing on this website? I can't find the option.
AI: Go to website, locate paperless billing option, turn on.

Amazingly helpful.

[Matt Usey @mattusey]

A lot of people and companies are still bragging about how great they are at "disrupting" things. We got enough of that. Settle down.

[Matt Usey @mattusey]

I've read that you should have a "go bag" ready in case you need to leave in an emergency. Well, I've got $30 and a stack of napkins in my glove box, so I'm all set.

[Matt Usey @mattusey]

Either Google is wrong or those eye docs are doing some moonlighting

[Matt Usey @mattusey]

I keep getting notified of breaches where my info is on the "Dark Web". I guess it's nice to be famous. I think if I ever actually wandered into the Dark Web, everyone there would turn and yell my name out like Norm in Cheers.

[Matt Usey @mattusey]

"your". I got too worked up while typing.

[Matt Usey @mattusey]

Ring: Check out all these random neighborhood posts
Me: No thanks. Turn off all notifications.
Ring: OK. ... How about this post?
Me: Turn off!
Ring: Done!
...
Ring: Hey check out this post about a missing package from you neighborhood!