Miss Mayhem

Reluctant mother of two girls and constantly on the verge of losing my mind. Lover of reptiles. Humble. Obviously the awesomest one here.

[Miss Mayhem @Mayhem_Monica]

Being the parent of a teenager, I can totally sympathize with God. Made someone in my own image who totally denies my existence. #ohtheangst

[Miss Mayhem @Mayhem_Monica]

It's #ipsy time again! https://t.co/bt27UsbMCo

[Miss Mayhem @Mayhem_Monica]

@dvideostor @shannonqp @KourtneyNieblas @marzbar29

The pain of my loss is squelched by my joy for Leo.

But I'm never going last again.

[Miss Mayhem @Mayhem_Monica]

#wordbrain

[Victoria Sofia @Ideal_Victoria]

Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”

And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”

[Miss Mayhem @Mayhem_Monica]

Wanna stay up to date on all the new beauty trends? Don't like spending bi https://t.co/wTQjX8lzfN

[Jackman...Forever @TheAlexP]

[adds too much olive oil to pasta]

Oh man, who likes something that taste just like olive oil?

*Popeye peeks head around corner*

[Miss Mayhem @Mayhem_Monica]

I always enjoy naming my wifi things like, "I'm right behind you" or "I'm coming for you".

[elizabeth @Elizasoul80]

I kept my enemies close by giving birth to them.

[Vault 69 Boy @aka_fatman]

Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.

Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.

Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!

[Jedi Cheesy Grits @JediGigi]

"You're my new friend"-I say to the surprise 11th mcnugget as I draw a smiley face on it with ketchup. The hair was a lovely shade of ranch.

[hambone @toomanytoes]

Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables

Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am

[Miss Mayhem @Mayhem_Monica]

I've been sitting up in this tree for 3 days waiting for a fireman to rescue me. This is the last time I listen to my cat. Asshole.

[Kate Hall @KateWhineHall]

It's a good thing our bodies age slowly. It's so much easier to be horrified just a little bit each day.

[Matt @sucittaM]

1. Ask your dr. if your heart is healthy enough for sex

2. Ask your dr. if his/her heart is healthy enough for sex

3. Wink at your doctor

[Goldishocks @Goldishocks]

An octopus is just a jelly mop.

[jordan @jordan_stratton]

There wasn't a single dry eye at the funeral. I kinda regret aiming for people's faces when I unloaded with that SuperSoaker from the podium

[Miss Mayhem @Mayhem_Monica]

I'll always look at him with the same eyes. I'd much rather look at him with Elizabeth Taylor's eyes, but whatevs.