Jackman...Forever

A boy who will always believe.

[Jackman...Forever @TheAlexP]

*dog pokes me with nose*

*stop, it's late*

(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)

*ugh, ok*

[sets up poker table for him and his friends]

[ally @missmayn]

young people might not believe this but the internet used to be really fun.

[@AlexNevilAgain @AlexNevilAgain]

[Me, a famous art thief]

Art Garfunkel: Please put me down

[Boog @bewgtweets]

“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”

That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name

“Donkey”

[Piece @Piecezilla]

Putting a bell around a cow's neck to circumvent its stealthiness is just wrong. I say let them hunt.

[Jon @ArfMeasures]

Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard

[Jon @ArfMeasures]

God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!

Worm: Thanks for the "worm" welcome haha

God *creates birds*

[lil jon lovitz(?) @liljonlovitz]

me before starting "james and the giant peach": how giant could it be. like a cantaloupe
me after starting "james and the giant peach": holy fucking shit

[Jon @ArfMeasures]

Me: I never use essential oils

Car mechanic: that's why it's on fire

[mo @chuuew]

I don't let penguins win any type of game because I know they're all dying to say "penguinner"

[Andrew Nadeau @TheAndrewNadeau]

There’s a parallel universe where people age non-linearly, and every day you have no idea how old you’ll wake up. So sometimes you’d have to call into work like, “Sorry, can’t make it in today, I’m 7.”

[Tony @tsm560]

There’s no distance, no time zone, no language barrier that stupidity can’t transcend

[Jon @ArfMeasures]

Detective: where were you between 2 and 4?

Me *confidently* preschool

[Jon @ArfMeasures]

Cop *knocking on door* open up it's the police!

Me: it's ok, I haven't done any crimes

Cop: The fashion police

Me *kicking my crocs off* shit

[mo @chuuew]

WIFE: I'm expecting

ME: Oh my god

WIFE: a pizza delivery in 10 minutes

ME: OH MY GOD

[Andrew Nadeau @TheAndrewNadeau]

I sigh loudly, seeing my roommate has again clogged our drain with snakes and shampoo. 'She has other strengths.” I remind myself. ‘She decorated. I could never afford such realistic statues.'

[mo @chuuew]

DOCTOR: He's in shock
COP: What happened?
D: Someone made him smoke a marijuana cigarette
C: You're saying-?
D: Yes. Blunt forced trauma