michael

no offense but I fucking suck

[michael @mbarbs_]

the epitome of my dating scene

[^_^ @Bruhsepheus]

I lowkey f*ck with critters but i draw the line at vermin

[A. Bonkdóttir, Ar.T @TheBonkQueen]

RIP to everyone killed by the gods for their hubris but I'm different. and better. maybe even better than the gods

[Midnight Marauder🌙 @jordancantdie]

One of the coldest lines ever

[No Context Brits @NoContextBrits]

Me: “I might go out tonight.”

My bank account:

[shen the bird @Shen_the_Bird]

wikipedia: please. please just give me one dollar i'm begging you give me anything

me: [trying to look up the hamburglar's full name] shut the fuck up

[mir.i.am #PrayForSnooki @moll11y]

When the Hibachi chef asks if you can catch a shrimp in your mouth

[michael @mbarbs_]

@lilraybeez Bali!

[chase @_chase_____]

generating passive income by being terrible at my job

[poof🍉🦨 @pisswentzz]

HELP

[Josh Gondelman @joshgondelman]

Crypto is just the stock market for people who think superhero movies should win more Oscars.