melissa

[Dan Rather @DanRather]

If you want an omen for 2021 that this year may be a wee bit different, may I suggest Exhibit 1a: The #Bills.

[MC HAMMER e/acc @MCHammer]

🕺🏾🕺🏾🕺🏾

[Just Bill @WilliamAder]

I'm only a day or two away from decoupaging something.

[bubble girl @JessObsess]

I’m working from home. But as a bartender.

[Kevin O’Neill @KevinBuffalo]

Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay home

Tomorrow: ok, the floor is lava

[Grace Segers @Grace_Segers]

Me, writing an email:

I'm using an exclamation point so you know I'm friendly and excited! But now I'm using a period so that you know I'm not crazy. Here's another sentence with a period as a buffer, proving my normalness. Thanks so much!

[John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets]

*overhears coworker saying today is leg day*

[whispering to my legs] Congrats, guys.

[Lady Lawya @Parkerlawyer]

Before you marry someone:

1. Listen to them eat a bowl of cereal.
2. Ask them which side of the bed they sleep on.
3. Watch them brush their teeth.
4. Make sure you are temperature compatible.
5. Survive one cold and flu season at minimum.

[Dalai Lama @DalaiLama]

If you set out to cheat and deceive others you’ll be tense and anxious in case you’re found out. But if you live your life and conduct your business on the basis of truth and honesty, it gives you a sense of satisfaction and self-confidence that is also a source of inner strength

[Swishergirl @Swishergirl24]

If you want to see NO ONE with a good body just go to a water park.

[tom @pilau]

She was just like any other dame.
Kinda tall for a short gal. Legs from her ankles to her hips. Eyes on her face, just above her nose. A mouth, and when that mouth opened I knew I was in trouble

“You’re in trouble.” She said.

[Kevin O’Neill @KevinBuffalo]

I'm just saying if McDonald's is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️

[Olly iConic @OllyiConic]

wife: i’m going into labor

husband: when

wife: now

husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these

[melissa @melibuff]

I’m watching joggers run the Turkey Trot through the windows of the all-you-can-eat breakfast buffet.

[The Real Rodney Lacroix @RealRodLacroix]

Welcome to your 50s. Every other sentence is now “Ow my knees.”

[Boyd's Backyard™ @TheBoydP]

Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.

[Boyd's Backyard™ @TheBoydP]

Just because I’m on a diet, doesn’t mean I want your diet advice.