Mary Jarvis

I didn't have enough money to pay someone to write my biography on twitter, so all I have is this lame autobiography that some idiot wrote.

[Mary Jarvis @mewsmusing]

I’m not sure what will kill us first: the Coronavirus or being at home with family. #toosoon #COVIDー19

[Mary Jarvis @mewsmusing]

Originally, I thought Hardee’s was a Male Strip Club. At least, it would be better than the Softee’s. #restaraunthumor #foodjokes

[Mary Jarvis @mewsmusing]

There's nothing wrong with my nervous system except that it works. At least, it works way better than my calm system. #panicforlife #anxietyproblems

[Mary Jarvis @mewsmusing]

Whoever invented this placebo medicine must be rich. It's still the most popular drug in every research investigation. #ThoughtOfTheDay

[Mary Jarvis @mewsmusing]

#puns #spermderp #idontknowhowtopersonletalonetwitter #Punday

[Mary Jarvis @mewsmusing]

Remember the good old days when it was just Times Roman font... kids these days with their Times New Roman.
#OldSchool #old #imsoold

[Mary Jarvis @mewsmusing]

How many glasses of wine does it take to get to the middle of a tootsie roll pop? Ansheeeeeweeer: im shrill werkin onit. #WineWednesday

[Mary Jarvis @mewsmusing]

MY KEGELS WILL CRUSH YOUR SKULL #thingsishouldntpostontwitter

[Mary Jarvis @mewsmusing]

Getting 3 kids ready, out the door and to school on time makes P90X look like a nap. #momlife #AHHHHH #because #Halp

[Mary Jarvis @mewsmusing]

The Catholic's favorite type of birth control: Pregnancy

#catholichumor #pregnancyhumor

[Mary Jarvis @mewsmusing]

How I Grocery List: #grocerylist #groceryshoplikeaboss

[Mary Jarvis @mewsmusing]

Stupid things to say at work by Mur:
"OH NO!!! THE WATER COOLER IS LEAKING!!!" as I fill my cup with water.

#stupidquotes #stupidtweet

[Mary Jarvis @mewsmusing]

Sean Connery can't use Facebook. Instead, he uses the lesser known Fashbook.

[Mary Jarvis @mewsmusing]

A thought: Is Norman Rockwell's Linguistically disabled and grammatically clumsy cousin named Normal Rockgood? #grammarpun #GrammarPolice

[Mary Jarvis @mewsmusing]

a wise woman once said there's a whoop for every ass.

[Mary Jarvis @mewsmusing]

I love when guys are like, "I'm not looking at your boobs, I just want to read your shirt..." and you're all like, "I'm not wearing one!!!"

[Mary Jarvis @mewsmusing]

First AID kit or Liberace Kit?

[Mary Jarvis @mewsmusing]

I was going to take a selfie in court, but the judge and police officers kept photo bombing them.

[Mary Jarvis @mewsmusing]

In Asia everything is blurry

[Mary Jarvis @mewsmusing]

Not really sure why we the Mothers against drunk driving group is necessary... I've never heard of Mothers for tipsy cruising