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Mary Jarvis
@mewsmusing
I didn't have enough money to pay someone to write my biography on twitter, so all I have is this lame autobiography that some idiot wrote.
United States
Joined January 2015
51
Following
61
Followers
435
Posts
Mary Jarvis
@mewsmusing
over 6 years ago
I’m not sure what will kill us first: the Coronavirus or being at home with family.
#toosoon
#COVIDー19
Mary Jarvis
@mewsmusing
over 6 years ago
Originally, I thought Hardee’s was a Male Strip Club. At least, it would be better than the Softee’s.
#restaraunthumor
#foodjokes
Mary Jarvis
@mewsmusing
about 8 years ago
There's nothing wrong with my nervous system except that it works. At least, it works way better than my calm system.
#panicforlife
#anxietyproblems
Mary Jarvis
@mewsmusing
about 8 years ago
Whoever invented this placebo medicine must be rich. It's still the most popular drug in every research investigation.
#ThoughtOfTheDay
Who to follow
Dylan Vattelana
@DylanStandsUp
Funny... I'd thought you'd be funnier
Black Milhouse
@NotJohnThomas
You're wasting your time following me. Unless you want to know how to dazzle the masses.
Clay Shoaf
@ClayShoaf
Just some dude
Mary Jarvis
@mewsmusing
about 8 years ago
#puns
#spermderp
#idontknowhowtopersonletalonetwitter
#Punday
Mary Jarvis
@mewsmusing
about 8 years ago
Remember the good old days when it was just Times Roman font... kids these days with their Times New Roman.
#OldSchool
#old
#imsoold
Mary Jarvis
@mewsmusing
about 8 years ago
How many glasses of wine does it take to get to the middle of a tootsie roll pop? Ansheeeeeweeer: im shrill werkin onit.
#WineWednesday
Mary Jarvis
@mewsmusing
over 8 years ago
MY KEGELS WILL CRUSH YOUR SKULL
#thingsishouldntpostontwitter
Mary Jarvis
@mewsmusing
over 8 years ago
Getting 3 kids ready, out the door and to school on time makes P90X look like a nap.
#momlife
#AHHHHH
#because
#Halp
Mary Jarvis
@mewsmusing
over 8 years ago
The Catholic's favorite type of birth control: Pregnancy
#catholichumor
#pregnancyhumor
Mary Jarvis
@mewsmusing
over 8 years ago
How I Grocery List:
#grocerylist
#groceryshoplikeaboss
Mary Jarvis
@mewsmusing
over 8 years ago
Stupid things to say at work by Mur: "OH NO!!! THE WATER COOLER IS LEAKING!!!" as I fill my cup with water.
#stupidquotes
#stupidtweet
Mary Jarvis
@mewsmusing
about 9 years ago
Sean Connery can't use Facebook. Instead, he uses the lesser known Fashbook.
Mary Jarvis
@mewsmusing
over 9 years ago
A thought: Is Norman Rockwell's Linguistically disabled and grammatically clumsy cousin named Normal Rockgood?
#grammarpun
#GrammarPolice
Mary Jarvis
@mewsmusing
over 9 years ago
a wise woman once said there's a whoop for every ass.
Mary Jarvis
@mewsmusing
over 9 years ago
I love when guys are like, "I'm not looking at your boobs, I just want to read your shirt..." and you're all like, "I'm not wearing one!!!"
Mary Jarvis
@mewsmusing
over 9 years ago
First AID kit or Liberace Kit?
Mary Jarvis
@mewsmusing
over 9 years ago
I was going to take a selfie in court, but the judge and police officers kept photo bombing them.
Mary Jarvis
@mewsmusing
over 9 years ago
In Asia everything is blurry
Mary Jarvis
@mewsmusing
over 9 years ago
Not really sure why we the Mothers against drunk driving group is necessary... I've never heard of Mothers for tipsy cruising
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