Michael Bettendorf

Oh, no thanks.

[Michael Bettendorf @michaelbettendo]

Accordion Guy playing the Darth Vader theme as I stride menacingly down the hallway in the Powell Street BART station during my morning commute. I feel so badass right now.

[Michael Bettendorf @michaelbettendo]

@ebyesterday Derek Jeter.

[Michael Bettendorf @michaelbettendo]

@caloso89 @nellstra Wait, did we ever start studying?

[Michael Bettendorf @michaelbettendo]

@PetuniaGray Um, hi, "n00b" here. You know I can hear you, right? Wait, is this thing on?

[Michael Bettendorf @michaelbettendo]

@connortmcdonald

[Michael Bettendorf @michaelbettendo]

four years ago tonight

[Michael Bettendorf @michaelbettendo]

Live look at Fox News election coverage right now. #electionday

[Michael Bettendorf @michaelbettendo]

@caloso89 @tracetravers3

[Michael Bettendorf @michaelbettendo]

@thechrisbarron @Julie06744667 @AshaRangappa_ omg kayleigh mcenany is your stepmom?

nothing surprises me in 2020 but I definitely did not see this coming

[Michael Bettendorf @michaelbettendo]

the only thing I want to see on my timeline for the next 33 days is dogs being reunited with their humans

[Field Yates @FieldYates]

I hadn’t seen my dog in 6 weeks and for a second I wondered if he would even remember me.

[Michael Bettendorf @michaelbettendo]

@caloso89 @Alysson 💯

[Michael Bettendorf @michaelbettendo]

@aidenbordner @RGA I’m right here, Aiden. I can hear you.

[Michael Bettendorf @michaelbettendo]

@ofenby I disagree. A real sign you have been married too long is when you ask Shauna if she wants to watch another episode of “Gentlemen Warriors” and she says “I don’t want to be married to you.”

[Michael Bettendorf @michaelbettendo]

@ceporto @natalierbett THIS. IS. THE. GREATEST. REPLY. OF. ALL. TIME. 🎤

[Michael Bettendorf @michaelbettendo]

So that we can collectively set a level playing field, how many “this is the greatest tweet of all time” proclamations should each of us be allowed per week?

[Michael Bettendorf @michaelbettendo]

@natalierbett Hmm, that seems a little extreme.

Your proposal: 0

My counter-proposal: 46

[Michael Bettendorf @michaelbettendo]

@xree Please create a table that explains the details of said sliding scale and I will submit it to the top-secret proclamation-limit evaluation panel immediately.

[Michael Bettendorf @michaelbettendo]

@gibsonguitar I see 200 bottles of booze, with two of the world’s greatest guitars (plus a rare Gibson amplifier) sitting on the bar.

[Michael Bettendorf @michaelbettendo]

@LaurenRanke Agreed. Berkeley’s @RBReich is a master of the genre, with this instant classic from earlier today: https://t.co/8uGcufh1qR

[Robert Reich @RBReich]

I don't know who needs to hear this but defunding Social Security won't stop the coronavirus.

[Michael Bettendorf @michaelbettendo]

@amirwin @AaronRodgers12

[Michael Bettendorf @michaelbettendo]

paging @AaronRodgers12

[Cal Athletics @CalAthletics]

COLLIN

MORIKAWA

THAT’S THE TWEET!!

[Michael Bettendorf @michaelbettendo]

@lachter