Bud Lightweight

“World’s Most *waves hand in seesaw motion * Lover.”

[Bud Lightweight @mikeisnotdrunk]

We are all God’s children, he just left us in a hot car

[m@thew @TweetPotato314]

*art garfunkel handing a birthday gift to his little art garfnephew*

[Bud Lightweight @mikeisnotdrunk]

@aleacimztin You just became my company’s new favorite person

[Bud Lightweight @mikeisnotdrunk]

Squadmate: *bites donut* Shiiiiit, this tastes like Play-Doh.
[long pause]
Squadmate: “I fucking LOVE Play-Doh!” *devours donut*

I’m in hell.

[shen the bird @Shen_the_Bird]

internet: there are singles in your area

me: really

internet: ya you're one of them you fucking loser

me: ah

[Bud Lightweight @mikeisnotdrunk]

@holy_schnitt I’m a Mike

[Bud Lightweight @mikeisnotdrunk]

@ShortyStacked

[Bud Lightweight @mikeisnotdrunk]

My favorite part of this how she immediately goes bright, happy, Youtuber “lol so thank you so much for watching” like she didn’t just BLOW MY FUCKING MIND. RIP Christina. You were a goddamn treasure

https://t.co/kIgC5H485e via @YouTube

[Bud Lightweight @mikeisnotdrunk]

I’m a man’s man. I drink whiskey, I work at a hardware store, and I blare John Mellencamp when I’m sitting alone in my car ugly crying and trying to process my emotions. #manlyshit

[Bud Lightweight @mikeisnotdrunk]

@abbygov

[Bud Lightweight @mikeisnotdrunk]

@HomeDepot is offering free carpet installations this month (November). Well played Depot. Well played

[Bud Lightweight @mikeisnotdrunk]

I just saw a young man wearing an NRA T-shirt and skinny jeans and I have no idea how I’m supposed to feel

[Bud Lightweight @mikeisnotdrunk]

@Riverrunsred25 @lmwortho I tried but my Drill Instructor said no

[Bud Lightweight @mikeisnotdrunk]

@kaceyb313 “This isn’t Bethesda” 😝

[Bud Lightweight @mikeisnotdrunk]

Me: Do you listen to Fallout Boy?

Date: Sometimes. I really like “I write sins, not tragedies.”

Honey you ARE the tragedy 😞

[OverSimplified @over_simplified]

Remember that time Australia went to war with it's national bird. That was fun:

https://t.co/Mygi8oXLpk

[Bud Lightweight @mikeisnotdrunk]

Just enlisted in the military so if any of my female friends want to get engaged, slide into my DMs

[Bud Lightweight @mikeisnotdrunk]

@mjs03093641 I just enlisted in the Navy and this hit weirdly close to home

[sloane (sîpihkopiyesîs) 🇵🇸🇨🇩🇸🇩 @cottoncandaddy]

me: you know what would be really hot? roleplay

guy: yeah?

me: mhm *tracing my finger around his chest* how about you pretend you’re someone with emotional maturity capable of communicating their feelings

guy: wait what

me: *whispering* fuck yeah let’s have a conversation

[Bud Lightweight @mikeisnotdrunk]

@aleacimztin At least the cops were nice

[Bud Lightweight @mikeisnotdrunk]

Tales from The Depot

Customer loading bricks: [low whistle] This is more than I’ve bargained more.

Me: IVE BEEN DYING TO TELL YOU ANYTHING YOU WANT TO HEAR CUZ THATS JUST WHO I AM THIS WEEK