Lee Bottoms

Don’t follow me. I tweet once a month on average and they all prove how sad a life I live.

[Lee Bottoms @misterbottomsly]

All the Rodan & Fields selfies that show skin improvement... It might be partly the product, but the main improvement it shows is how Brittany finally upgraded from the Motorola Razr to an IPhone X. That before photo from 2016 is the worst photo quality I ever did see.

[Lee Bottoms @misterbottomsly]

Do you ever hug those people who press their cold floppy feels-like-a-slice-of-ham-right-off-the-deli-line ear against your neck/ear/face and you get a little craving for a sub sandwich? Just me? Okay.

[Lee Bottoms @misterbottomsly]

@TannerDudley You can spell it but not say it? How backward. Lol 93% sure it sounds like bin-yay. And if that doesn’t work, try beige-gnat just to make someone’s day brighter with your failure.

[Lee Bottoms @misterbottomsly]

Thoughts as I stalk and compare myself to random people in a house plant hobbyist Facebook group:

“Well lookie here, he’s not an old lady. Rare. He does look kind of old tho”
*clicks photo
*scrolls
*sees he is 6 months younger than me

I guess it’s time to embrace my hair loss.

[Lee Bottoms @misterbottomsly]

Conversations with four year olds:

“Where’s your car?”

“I don’t have a car here. I left it at home in NC.”

“Where’s your mom?”

Yes, that’s true. If you don’t have a car of your own the next best thing is a mom. She’ll get you there.

[Greg Moore @GregMooreII]

Student: I didn't know when it was due.
Me: It's in the syllabus.
Student: I didn't read the syllabus.
Me:

[Comic Speedrunner @Tgdraw]

Happy Easter! And Happy April Fools :D #happyeaster #aprilfools #Jesus #comic #sketch

[Lee Bottoms @misterbottomsly]

Spring to me is a small bug landing on my head while my arms are full so I can’t do anything about it and by the time my hands are free it has crawled deep into my hair and then I scratch and hit my head and come to terms with how my scalp is now an insect graveyard. #romantic

[C.J. Johnson @CJCurtisJohnson]

Me passing a Chick-fil-A without stopping by

[Lee Bottoms @misterbottomsly]

@TrentHaymore Then I guess I’ll call you Pug

[Lee Bottoms @misterbottomsly]

This photo is better than anything I have to say at the moment, which is saying something. #contradictory #speakinginriddles #riddlesinthedark #BREAKING #TheOscars2018 #art #FixerUpper #ACCTournament #AfterTheFinalRose #kony2012 #hashtag #1930sfashion #bitcoin #litcoin🔥

[Lee Bottoms @misterbottomsly]

@AlexBethFrey Nope I like to breathe and it’s the only way

[Lee Bottoms @misterbottomsly]

You know you live in the south when

you lift your hand to pick your nose in the privacy of your car

and the old man and his big truck across the intersection thinks you’re trying to wave

so you smoothly transition your finger out of your nostril and into an open hand 👋🏼

[Lee Bottoms @misterbottomsly]

Watching incredible athletes pushing their bodies to do amazing things in #PeyongChang2018 while I’m pushing my way past level 800 in candy crush. Who’s the real gold medalist? #CrushingIt

[Lee Bottoms @misterbottomsly]

@welivefreephoto Couldn’t agree more. It seems as if they were trying to make him the stupidest man on earth, which is extra frustrating because he’s the only constant father figure in the show. Everyone else either doesn’t have one or has severe daddy issues..

[Lee Bottoms @misterbottomsly]

Guy in the gym:
“Has anyone ever told you you look like Nick Foles?” ...
“Do you know who that is?”

DO I LOOK LIKE I DONT WATCH THE NFL OR KNOW FOOTBALL PLAYERS!? HOW DARE...

...actually you should be an investigator because you’re 100% right and you profiled me correctly.

[Lee Bottoms @misterbottomsly]

Nickelback playing in Walmart is the least surprising thing I’ve experienced today.

[Lee Bottoms @misterbottomsly]

I never get compliments on my skin

except for today

right after the gym

when my face is swollen and pink as Kirby.

[C.J. Johnson @CJCurtisJohnson]

“How much money do you spend at Chick-fil-A?”
Me: https://t.co/FdFNm0S0hl

[Lee Bottoms @misterbottomsly]

“Swedish fish are the Lamborghini of the gummies”

The only wise statement I’ve ever heard come out of a drunk girl’s mouth. #preachgirlpreach