Mitch Hedberg Jokes

Mitch Hedberg Jokes

[Mitch Hedberg Jokes @mitchjokes]

I had one anchovy, that's why I didn't have two anchovies.

[Mitch Hedberg Jokes @mitchjokes]

I'm an ice sculptor - last night I made a cube.

[Mitch Hedberg Jokes @mitchjokes]

Yeah, this comedy is all a part of my “Get Rich Slow” scheme... and it’s working.

[Mitch Hedberg Jokes @mitchjokes]

I had a piece of Carefree Sugarless gum and I was still worried. It never kicked in, I took it back to the store and said "Bullshit!"

[Mitch Hedberg Jokes @mitchjokes]

If you have dentures, don't use artificial sweetener, cause you'll get a fake cavity.

[Mitch Hedberg Jokes @mitchjokes]

What am I drinking? NyQuil on the rocks, for when you're feeling sick but sociable.

[Mitch Hedberg Jokes @mitchjokes]

Somebody's got a hat they're not wearing... either that or that table's fucking hip.

[Mitch Hedberg Jokes @mitchjokes]

This shirt is "dry-clean only"...which means it's dirty.

[Mitch Hedberg Jokes @mitchjokes]

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

[Mitch Hedberg Jokes @mitchjokes]

Whenever I go to shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving, so I say, "I'm gonna go shave, too."

[Mitch Hedberg Jokes @mitchjokes]

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

[Mitch Hedberg Jokes @mitchjokes]

When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.

[Mitch Hedberg Jokes @mitchjokes]

I like wearing necklaces, because it lets me know when I'm upside down.

[Mitch Hedberg Jokes @mitchjokes]

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said "No, but I want a regular banana later, so ... yeah".

[Mitch Hedberg Jokes @mitchjokes]

You know, I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with 'em later.

[Mitch Hedberg Jokes @mitchjokes]

A fly was very close to being called a "land," cause that's what they do half the time.

[Mitch Hedberg Jokes @mitchjokes]

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

[Mitch Hedberg Jokes @mitchjokes]

I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to wait."

[Mitch Hedberg Jokes @mitchjokes]

I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.

[Mitch Hedberg Jokes @mitchjokes]

I love my fed-ex guy cause he's a drug dealer and he doesn't even know it...and he's always on time.