Moose McTwink

Lumps and bumps, scrapes and scars, wandering through the wilderness looking for his next meal --

[Moose McTwink @Moosetwink]

@iamfonda thanks for taking a stand. 'You do your own thing in your own time. You should be proud' #VivaLaFonda

[Moose McTwink @Moosetwink]

@DonaldJTrumpJr now just imagine your little brother is one of those kids who's actually being mistreated and direct that phony macho bullshit in the right direction! #VivaLaFonda

[Moose McTwink @Moosetwink]

@K1063sarnia is there not an obligation to state that psychics are strictly for entertainment purposes?

[Moose McTwink @Moosetwink]

Most surprising appointment in Trump administration so far? Ivanka as first lady @realDonaldTrump

[Moose McTwink @Moosetwink]

Has @realDonaldTrump considered @BillCosby for VP? Guaranteed to get 100% of the rapist vote

[Moose McTwink @Moosetwink]

@TazFM96 " if she gets to pick" meaning she has already been elected. He's saying they should shoot her

[Moose McTwink @Moosetwink]

I think the only reason I grew a beard is to have something I can stroke in public without getting arrested

[Moose McTwink @Moosetwink]

I think starving Africans would hate us even more if they knew we have porn with women inserting vegetables into their vaginas

[Moose McTwink @Moosetwink]

I think my libido is dead. I could count in one hand the number of erections I've had in 2015

[Jimboswelt @JIMBOSWELT]

The small part of my heart that is still alive rejoices in triumph after
my first sip of whiskey in the morning.

[Carrianne @carriannef]

Human nature is the ugliest part of nature

[Moose McTwink @Moosetwink]

That sinking moment when you realize you're not even on her radar....

[Moose McTwink @Moosetwink]

Online dating profile asked about drinking habits but doesn't list "it's complicated" so I just put down "socially"

[Jasomnambulism @jasomnambulism]

Don't be sad, laundry.

Nobody's doing me either.

[Moose McTwink @Moosetwink]

Twitter is kind of like a tailgate party at the Special Olympics

[Moose McTwink @Moosetwink]

I think I inadvertently drew a picture of the prophet Muhammed while pissing in the snow today... Am I in trouble now?

[Moose McTwink @Moosetwink]

Spent the last hour trying to construct a tweet involving life handing Renee Zellweger lemons. The previous sentence is the best I could do

[Moose McTwink @Moosetwink]

This morning I got to hand over every penny I have for a divorce settlement. So here I am Twitter. Tonight... you're my slutty ex. LOVE ME

[Moose McTwink @Moosetwink]

A friend of mine told me I should be more positive. After an entire week, I still haven't got AIDS but my ass is killing me